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Faster Pussycat was a Lesbian theme pop-up bar in the South of Market area of San Francisco. Located on Howard Street, “The Cat” as it was sometimes referred to by its regulars was open one night a week in a club space that was primarily used under a different name. The club got its name (I believe) from an old cult B movie from 1965 of the same name. Frankly, the movie wasn’t that great, IMO.
Every now and then I come up with an inspired idea. Sometimes they even work out. I decided to have some business cards printed up with my name (Nom de plume really) on them that read:
Muff Diving Expert
Satisfaction guaranteed or your money back
On demand service 24/7
[my cell phone number]
So I dress in a fairly casual/professional manner, suitable for a SOMA night club, and walk into the place one night about 9:15 pm. Doors open at 8 pm, close about 1 am. I take in the scene in a quick look around. Club is pretty nondescript, a lot of black and bad lighting, Nearly 100% female clientele, girl band on stage playing some god-awful thrasher music. I strolled up to the bar, sat on a stool and ordered a French 75. For those who are not up on cocktails, a French 75 is two parts champagne, one part gin, a and ½ part each of simple syrup and lemon juice, served with a twist of lemon peel in a champagne glass. Totally delicious and refreshing with a kick like the famous French artillery piece from World War One from which it got its name.
The bartenders name is Kelly. She was tall, nearly six feet, slim in a not quite boyish sort of way, very pretty face and blond hair cut into a tapered bowl style. Tee shirt and chinos. Nice smile. She checked me out with a look that said, what the fuck are you doing in here?
OK. I’m nearly 60, 6-3, steel gray hair. I do not exactly fit the profile of the typical clientele.
She says sure, makes the drink and charges me $11. I pay then take a sip, smile and allow how it’s good.
“You do realize that this is a Lesbian club, right?”
“Yep. Did some research. Decided I’d like to check it out.”
“Most of the girls here are between 18 and 35. You look twice that.”
“Got it. I do because I am.”
“I kind of doubt anyone here is looking to get picked up by and old man.”
“That kind of hurts my feelings, you know. I don’t feel like an old man. I understand that the sexual orientation of most of these ladies puts me at a considerable disadvantage. However, I’m not looking for a date.”
“Well, you seem to have a sense of humor. I’m Kelly.”
“Pleased to meet you Kelly. My name is Jay.”
She went off to take the orders of a few other customers, most of which were giving me a wide berth. I resisted the impulse to check how my pits smelled…probably the male pheromones, I thought, are acting like insect repellent.
A few minutes later she came back, looked me straight in the eye and asked, “So why ARE you here, Jay.”
“Actually Kelly, I was hoping to find some new clients.”
“Oh, so you’re a salesman?”
“Not exactly,” I said, giving her my most winning smile.
“OK, gaziosmanpaşa escort so what’s the product.”
Actually, I provide a service. Here’s my card.”
She took it and looked at it for a moment before her eyes got big and her jaw fell open.”
“You gotta be shittin’ me,” she said, bursting into laughter. That got a few looks from some of the girls nearby. “That’s one of the most outrageous things I’ve ever seen. Besides that, the expert part sounds like bullshit.”
“Isn’t all sales a form of BS?” I asked, smiling at her.
Before she could cut me down to size I followed up with, “Actually, it’s not bullshit. I’m quite good at this.”
“Hmmph! Typical. Every guy seems to thinks he’s God’s gift to women in the sack.”
“Sure. I get that. But I don’t think that way. What I provide is a custom, tailored experience adjusted in real time to meet the needs and instructions of the client. I deliver this service in a laid back but totally professional style. It’s neither macho, nor clinical. As I said, each client has different needs. I pay close attention and cater to them.
“And how much do you charge?”
“Shiiiit! That’s not much of a business model.”
“I’m a non-profit entity.”
“Why the fuck should I give a rat’s patoot about this insanity?”
“No reason. I’m not going to give you the hard sell. I just wanted to let you know of my availability and let you take this wherever you like.”
Kelly looked at me intensely, like she was actually seeing me for the first time. I was encouraged by this.
“You know, I am intrigued. Tell you what, your next drink is on me, what was that, oh yeah a French 75. I go on break in 15 minutes. I’m gonna give you an audition.”
“Wonderful, ” I grinned.
Kelly went off to make me that drink and to fill orders from a group of young women who seemed to be together.
A few minutes later, I had my refill, and I sipped it while checking out the action elsewhere in the club. Lots of ladies. All shapes, sizes and looks. Most of them seemed to think I had leprosy. Well, I expected that pretty much would be the case, but I had a foot in the door with Kelly. Now I was going to have to deliver, assuming she didn’t take me out back, pull a switchblade and threaten to gut me if I didn’t split. Gotta stay away from those negative waves Jay. Think positive thoughts.
“Josie, take over, I’m going on break for a cigarette.”
Kelly led me through a black curtain into a dark hallway and unlocked a door. “Storeroom,” she said. “No one will disturb us.”
While she was pulling off her chinos, I got down on my knees. Kelly walked over, standing right in front of me and pulled the crotch of her panties to one side.
I looked up and met her eyes. “In order for you to have the best possible experience, I will need you to give me detailed instructions as to what you want. Where you want my lips and tongue. How much pressure. Licking motion. Whether you want my hands to do anything. The more feedback you give me, gölbaşı escort the better your experience will be. I want you to think of my mouth as an instrument under your verbal control. While I am pretty good at reading a woman’s responses, your constant feedback will improve your pleasure by 100%. OK?”
“Wow. It’s like you are Master’s and Johnson or something.”
“Not really, now I’m going to begin with some light kisses on the surface of your mons. You should start telling me exactly what to do very soon after.”
She had me start by licking between her outer labia from bottom to top and back few times, then she asked me to gently open her with my fingers. Oooh. Now lick vertically on the ridgelines of my labia minora. Use very soft pressure with just the tip of your tongue. Oh, perfect!”
“Now, lick between my outer and inner lips, using more pressure. Get at every surface in those crevasses a few times. Oh God that’s good!”
One hand came down behind my head and she pulled me in closer. “Put your tongue on my pee hole and lick, yes, now go all the way into my vagina. Work it all around. Mop my insides with that tongue. Oh shit! Oh my god you are good at this!”
“Suck at my pee hole. Now put your tongue on my clit. Flick the tip back and forth across it a few times, Ungh! Jesus. Can you reach my G-spot with that tongue of yours? Oh yes.”
Meanwhile, Kelly’s pussy was starting to lubricate like crazy. A minor shower of flavorful juices was being collected by my tongue and brought into my mouth for me to savor. God, she tastes fantastic, I thought. Don’t lose it, you have to keep under control here. She began to hump my mouth, urging me to increase the pace and pressure of my tongue.
“Put your middle finger on my G-spot she ordered. Now lap at my clit. Deep slow but firm licks, bottom to top.” As I synchronized my movements with hers, she began to moan loudly. “Oh fuck, I’m going to cum, I’m…aughhhh!”
Kelly was obviously having a cunt-shattering orgasm as she growled with pleasure while squirting a stream of delicious female ejaculate into my hungry mouth. Her entire body quivered at her release as a series of smaller jets spurted into my mouth in the aftermath of her orgasm. She let go of my head a dn staggered back a step. I crawled forward and placing my hands gently on her hips, I covered her mons with a flurry of soft kisses.
“Thank you Kelly, That was wonderful.”
“Oh my God! That was sooo fucking intense! My legs feel like rubber.
It was so hot, I’m going to have to have a second one. You up for that?”
“I love your attitude Mister, or should I call you boy?”
“I kind of like boy, especially when you deliver it in a superior tone of voice like that.”
“Then get that tongue back to work and do me again.”
I again brought her to orgasm, and this one seemed nearly as powerful as her first.
Afterward, Kelly sat on one of the boxes in the storeroom as she smoked a cigarette. “Shit. My knees are shaking. You ARE good.”
“Thank keçiören escort you Maam. Mostly I pay attention to what you are telling me and what your body is telling me as well. I am just more attentive than most.”
“Well, I am impressed. You can call me Kelly. It’s OK.”
“Thank you Kelly. It was a pleasure for me. If I may say so, you are delicious.”
She sat back and smoked her cigarette, a languid look on her face. Her body language said “total relaxation’. “You know, a lot of ladies come in here every week looking for something. Sometimes it’s love, sometimes it’s to hookup for a one-nighter, sometime just to hang out and have some fun. Many of them leave disappointed, but they keep coming back, ever hopeful that next week will be different, that they’ll have the time of their lives and meet someone special for a relationship or just a satisfying fuck.”
“I think I can create a niche here for you to provide a service that I think is badly needed. A lot of these girls want to get off because they are tipsy and horny, but they don’t want to deal with all the fucking drama. You know, girls looking for Mommy, girls looking for their one true love, girls looking for some weird mix of chemistry and compatibility that almost no one can meet because the preconceived expectations are simply ridiculous. Then there’s the Alpha girls who want everything their way all the time. Those bitches are impossible to satisfy and they end up fucking their beta chickies over. At least at the gay men’s bars, people tend to be more honest. Hell I bartender at one place two nights a week in the Castro. It’s a different dynamic.”
“Anyway, a lot of women come in here because they need a little lovin’, need some sex right now. Most of the time, they don’t find what they are looking for. You just might be the perfect service provider for women who are in that frame of mind.”
“Tell you what Jay. I’d like to pimp you out here at the Pussycat. I’ll set you up here in the storeroom and send the occasional bitch back here to have her way with you. What do you say to that?”
“Sounds pretty cool really. You want to share some details?”
She sat looking thoughtful for a few moments. I could sort of tell the wheels were turning in there.
“This place starts really heating up about 9 pm. I go on break at 8:45. I want you here next week at 8:30. You know where Mr. S. leathers is on 7th?”
“You know what a humbler is?”
“You go to Mr S. and buy one, the best they have. Bring it with you.
I’ll supply a little rug and some cushions for your knees and feet and leather cuffs and shackles. This is mostly to put the girls I’ll send back to you at ease.”
“I’ll secure you in place with the humbler and make sure you are fully restrained with your wrists cuffed behind your back to your ankles. Oh, and you’ll be naked of course. Again, the humbler and restraints are mostly to convey a sense of security to the customers. I’ll tout your services to those I think are looking just to get off. I’m gonna charge the price of one drink, $10. It all goes in my pocket. Cash business. You get to eat lots of pussy, I enhance my tip money. The girls can have up to two orgasms, more costs extra. Well? What do you think?”
“I’ll be here next week at 8:30 sharp. You have yourself a deal Kelly.”
“One last detail. I get up to three orgasms, more if I want, over the course of each night. See you next Tuesday boy.”
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