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She’s standing in front of the mirror that hangs on the wall over her dresser all polished and ready, looking so brand new I almost don’t recognize her. She slides a deep red lipstick over her mouth and rubs her lips together before turning to me and running her left hand through her dark hair, that seems to look tousled and slightly unruly no matter what she does to it. “Something is wrong.” She says cocking her head to the side slightly and squinting her chocolate colored almond shaped eyes. She’s damn tootin something is wrong. The woman standing in front of me is dominating; she actually has a presence and bears only a slight resemblance to the girl who has been my closest friend for the past three years.
For as long as I had known her Nikki had always been a step beyond beautiful all on her own, but her prettiness was undeveloped, or had been. Now that she had put hours into getting ready she was just too gorgeous. The boat-neck black dress with three-quarter length sleeves that was wearing stopped inches above her knees and might have been plain had the back not been cut down to the dip in her spine.
I’d had to force my eyes from her exposed cinnamon colored back more than once. The high-heeled black shoes she’d paired the outfit with took her from just being tall to being statuesque. Up until now I’d only seen her in sneakers, sandals and the oxfords the school dress code insisted on. , The new shoes made it seem as if she had another woman’s feet out on loan. Even her walk was different now. Yes something was definitely wrong.
I hadn’t responded aloud to her declaration that something was wrong but Nikki didn’t seem to notice and of course she had no idea of my slightly ranty inner monologue. She moved past me leaving the scent of jasmine in her wake. “Oh, I know.” She said, grabbing a pair of dangling silver earrings from her bedside table. After putting them on she turned to me again and for reasons I wouldn’t acknowledge my heart beat a little faster and the temperature of the dorm room seemed to reach unbearable levels.
“She gives you fever” the little voice in the back of my head piped up. I pushed the thought away and told myself I was probably just getting sick. “Yeah lovesick” The voice chuckled. I wished my inner self would mind her own damn business and let me live out my days in blissful denial.
“So how do I look J?” Nikki asked, running her hand through her hair again.
“Sexy.” The voice said.
“Sexy” the word popped out of my mouth before I could shove the thought into the recesses of my mind where it belonged.
“Really?” Nikki asked not skipping a beat and apparently not noticing that I couldn’t look away from her, or breathe.
“Really” I replied, not even bothering to backtrack, she knew me too well and would have spotted a lame cover up before the lie left my lips.
“That’s what I was going for” she said with a smile. Even the slight overbite that she had was sexy. I found everything about her enticing and that scared me. I was still watching she as she grabbed a small handbag off of her bed and left the room.
When we’d been paired as roommates I was shocked to find that beyond being beautiful she was also smart, funny and wildly interesting. If I hadn’t liked her so much I might have hated her for seemingly having it all. Not liking Nikki wasn’t even an option she was just one of those people who you couldn’t help but like.
On a cool October afternoon she and I weren’t together after classes for the first time in weeks.
Nikki and buxom blonde named Sara had gone shopping. I had been invited but declined, as Sara seemed to hate me ferociously, although newer when Nikki was looking. The blonde had gone out of her way to let me know she couldn’t stand me though she had never made the reason clear.
I had made my own plans to write a thirteen-page essay on the Islamic faith for history.
The paper was due in two days and as usual I had put it off until the last minute. We’d had weeks to work on it but I had yet to so much as crack a book on the subject. Five minutes into studying I developed an intense hunger and decide to take a break and go get some food. I left campus walking slowly admiring the leaves that adorned the trees like bursts of rich color from an artist’s brush. Because I was procrastinating and trying to put off the paper yet again I made slow progress dawdling and looking into shop windows as I headed in the general direction of the golden arches of McDonald’s
By chance I caught sight of Nikki and Sara sitting at a table for two inside of Papa’s Pizza. The cheesy but typical faux Italian decor was tacky at best but the food was great.
Sara was leaning halfway across the table saying something to Nikki. I could almost hear the sound of her laughter as she tossed her hair over her shoulder and responded to the blonde. Not wanting to be spotted lest I be invited to join I started to move on. For whatever reason bahis firmaları I looked for a moment longer and saw Nikki lean forward and brush her full lips lightly over Sara’s before settling back in her chair. I was already denying what I’d seen when Nikki ran her hand through her hair and glanced in my direction. Suddenly I had no desire to eat anything and I turned from the window and went back to campus. My mind was reeling how could she be a lesbian? And why hadn’t she told me?
“Would it have mattered?” The Voice in my head asked.
I ignored the question lest I be forced to examine myself to closely and walked back to the school.
I was sitting on my bed trying to fill my head with facts about the nation of Islam when Nikki came in two hours later. She started unloading her purchases from their respective bags and putting away the array of sweaters, skirts and jeans she had purchased. I kept looking at her out of the corner of my eye while pretending to be enthralled with the book that was sitting open on my lap.
“Are you going to keep tossing covert glances my way all night J? Why don’t you just go ahead and look directly at me for a good long time?” Her voice was tinged with amusement but there was a steely undercurrent in the flow of her words and a razor sharp edge to her words.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked her. My tone was accusing although it hadn’t been my intent.
“Tell you what?” She asked as she turned from the closet and looked me dead in the eye.
“That you ‘re, I mean, you’re…” I was stumbling over the words and probably blushing.
“A lesbian?” She asked crossing her arms under her breasts as she rested most of her weight on her right foot and bent her left leg. I just sat there staring and she continued. “I didn’t tell you because it was none of your damn business J, Why you seem to feel that it should have been is beyond me.”
My voice was almost a whisper when I spoke “I thought we were friends.”
“Shit I thought so too, but if you’re already talking in past tense behind what you saw then I don’t think we were ever friends.” She said dropping her arms and turning away, as if the conversation was over.
“No wait, We are friends I was just shocked.”
“Why” she asked
“I thought you were norm…straight.”
Her eyes had flashed as I stumbled over my words again. I had been about to say I thought she was normal .My inner voice piped up to say. “You also thought you were more open minded.”
I ignored the thought and focused on Nikki.
“I am normal .” She said in a tone that told me we might come to blows if I said different. “But why did you think I was straight?”
“I just assumed…”
“That’s right, you did.” She said cutting me off.
“Well you never made it clear that you weren’t why wouldn’t I think that?”
She laughed, but clearly she was not amused. “I never said I was straight either and I didn’t mislead you or anyone else. You saw what you wanted and overlooked what was right in front of you. But my preferences don‘t change who I am. I’m the same girl I was this morning”
She was right. I had just assumed that she was straight and now that she pointed it out I realized I had seen her and Sara acting the way couples act but dismissed their relationship as a friendship, although as friends Nikki and I had never linked fingers, cuddled or parted with an embrace and I hadn’t seen her interact with any of the other girls as such either. She hadn’t tried to lie or hide or be dishonest, I had done all that to myself.
“I’m sorry “I said
She shrugged. “You should be.”
Her words stung but there was no anger in her voice. She was just stating a fact
She crossed the room and pulled something out of her back pocket. It was a thin silver chain that had a small S suspended from it. It glinted in the light as she tossed it on the dresser. It dawned on me that the last place I had seen such a chain was around Sara’s neck. Well now I knew what the N stood for.
I wondered what had happened between the two of them but I didn’t ask and even though Nikki had seen me watching her she didn’t offer an explanation. I looked down. Our friendship was going to be weird now because now I wasn’t sure what was safe to ask or not ask about.
When I glanced up a moment later Nikki had a bag in her hand which she wet to hand to me. “Here I got this for you.” Her hand hovered in the air with a small shopping bag waiting for me to take it. The look on my face must have said it al and apparently it cracked her up. “Girl take this bag its only lotion, I noticed you were out. I’m not trying to romance you hell you’re not even my type.” She laughed again.
I took the bag and lifted out a vanilla scented lotion. I was a little offended she seemed to find the thought of romancing me so laughable and my inner self was demanding an answer to why I wasn’t her type.
“Don’t bust a gut or anything Nikki.” I said laughing a little and feeling relived we kaçak iddaa still seemed to be friends. “What do you only date blondes?”
“Don’t be a jackass.” She answered leaving me wondering just what her type was.
The nature of our friendship didn’t change at and after a while I wondered why I had ever been foolish enough to think that her sexual preference would have altering factor. Nikki never once offered me anything but friendship a fact that I had once appreciated made me want to cry now.
“Ironic.” The Voice said
If anyone had told me when at 15 first met Nikki that I would fall for her I would have laughed. She was beautiful and smart and funny and sweet but I wasn’t attracted to her. Or at least that’s what I told myself every time my increasing physical attraction reared it’s head At first I tried to rationalize and tell myself that it was just the fact that we were so close, and spent so much time together. “Bitch Please.” The Voice intoned. As usual I ignored my inner self and went from rationalization to denial. Denial worked until the day I caught myself staring at her ass as she bent to retrieve a pair of shoes from the closet. The sight of her bent over like that gave me a whole new appreciation for the words kiss ass. I let myself slowly admit that I wanted to fuck her but figured it was only a passing fancy that would ebb out in time. Three years later I the desire was stronger than ever and now much to my dismay I loved her. It would have been much easier to be able to shove her into the girls I’d fuck category, but I knew I was hooked when it stopped being about her body and started being about making her smile.
Now she was going out on a date she had been looking forward to for months and she seemed so happy. I wanted to be a good friend and be happy for her but my eyes declared mutiny on that plan and teared up while something under my ribcage seemed to break loose. I sat on the bed crying and wondered if my heart was breaking. My pesky inner self was quiet and instead of being relived I damned her for deserting me when I needed her.
“Come on Jayne, was that for her or me?” She piped up proving that she wasn’t gone after all.
Without warning the door opened “I forgot my…” Whatever she had been about to say died on her lips as she stood there staring at me.
“J what’s the matter?” She asked closing the door and approaching the bed. I dropped my eyes and replied. “Nothing.” She sucked her teeth and sighed, crossing her arms beneath her breasts. Even without looking I knew she had also rolled her eyes and cocked her head to the side with impatience.
“I’m going to pretend you didn’t just take me for a fool, and ask you again. What’s the matter with you?”
“I’m fine.” I said hedging and lying through my teeth.
“Clearly.” She said sitting on the bed next to me.
“You’re going to be late.” I told her wishing she would leave. “I thought you wanted her to stay.” The voice chimed in.
I’m not going anywhere, until you tell me why you’re crying like somebody killed your dog choked your cat and robbed your house.” Even through the tears I smiled. Nikki was always good for a colorful turn of phrase.
“I’m just depressed.” I answered as honestly as I was willing to answer.
She shook her head “that’s twice that you’ve taken me for a fool.”
“How would you know if I were depressed or not?” I snapped. I had been on the verge of adding “with all the time you spend with your new girlfriend.” But as Nikki had pointed out twice now she was no fool. She could put two and two together and she would almost surely put my lashing out and weeping with my jealousy of the new woman in her life and guess what the real problem with me was.
“I didn’t say you weren’t depressed J, because you are I’ve seen it but the way you’re crying when I came in here wasn’t just sadness or what have you. You were weeping, and I’m not leaving until you tell me why.”
I didn’t say anything I just stood up and started walking to the door. Nikki was stubborn and persistent and true to her word she would miss the chance to see the play she had been wanting to see with her girlfriend for months just to stay here and find out what was the matter with me.
I hadn’t taken three steps before she grabbed my arm. I snatched away but she was stronger than I’d realized and held me easily. “Let me go I just need to be alone, please.” I was pleading and I knew that any minute I would be crying again. She let me go and stood up moving to look me in the face.
I looked down and she tipped my head up with her hand forcing me to look into her eyes.
“I hate to see you hurting J, if you need to be alone fine I’ll go. But I need something from you.”
“What?” I asked
“I need you to know that you don’t have to handle whatever you’re going through alone. I’m not saying I can fix whatever the problem is but you can tell me anything and I’ll be there for you.”
She dropped her hand and looked into my eyes for a moment kaçak bahis more before turning away. She grabbed her cell phone from her bed and left without a word. This time the tears were running down my face before I even realized I was crying. I’d been in love with her for two years and it had been almost bearable watching girls come in and out of her life as if her dates were coming through a revolving door. This new woman was just that. A woman not a girl not a student a grown woman who was beautiful smart and could lavish Nikki with all the gifts she deserved. Melissa had stopped the revolving door and been Nikki ’s one and only for four months. After Sara, Nikki had girlfriends, plural never just one and never the same girl for more than six weeks so four months with one chick was serious business. For every girl she had brought into her life I countered with a boy, as if I had a point to prove. By our senior year I had run through more than my share of guys and I knew girls talked behind my back calling me a slut and every other name they could think of. The truth was I’d slept with less than a handful of the dates I’d paraded around so proudly.
The night passed slowly and every other minute I wondered what Nikki was doing. I wished I had let her stay, so at least she’d be with me, but I knew I never would have let her miss something that made her so happy. When she came running in the door moments before lights out I pretended to be asleep.
I heard her moving around none too quietly but still pretended to sleep, after a few moments I felt her weight resting on the edge of my bed. “J I know you’re not sleeping.”
I lay there not responding. I didn’t want to hurt her, I just didn’t want to hear about what a great night she’d had and I certainly didn’t want her to revisit the reason for my earlier tears.
She stayed on the bed for a moment longer before rising. I immediately missed her nearness and wished she had stayed. She set something on the table near my bed and shut off the lights.
When her breathing was slow and deep I opened my eyes. The room wasn’t completely dark as the moonlight from the window and the hall light from the door seeped in. She had bought be a box of my favorite chocolates and set them on the bedside table. I felt shitty for ignoring her and now I wished she were awake.
She scared the bejesus out of me as I reached for the box and her voice drifted across the space between our beds. “Why won’t you talk to me J?”
“Jesus Nikki I thought you were asleep.”
“I know you did, that’s why I did the whole breathing thing.”
I was silent because I didn’t know what to say.
“I broke up with Melissa tonight.” She sighed and my heart skipped a beat. I knew I shouldn’t be elated but I was. “As if you have a chance.” The voice said.
“Why?” I asked Nikki.
“It wasn’t going anywhere and she was only using me, I was using her too for a while there but lately I’ve been feeling like a whore because of the gifts and stuff.”
Damn that meant they’d been having sex and lots of it if the gifts were indicative of the amount.
“Sorry.” I said.
She just sighed and was silent for a bit. Before speaking again.
“I’m worried about you J.”
I sighed “I don’t want to talk about this” I said
“I didn’t ask you to.”
With Melissa gone and Nikki single I was happier than I’d been in months. That happiness lasted five weeks then came Abby. It looked like yet another girl was going to get all of what I couldn’t have even a taste of. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to take it. After a week of dating Abby Nikki was talking non-stop about her and I snapped and told her I didn’t want to hear another fucking word about it. Nikki didn’t say another word but the hurt on her face cut deeper than any words ever could. “I’m sorry” I said “I’m just tense.”
She shrugged “It’s fine I just wish you would tell me what’s up with you lately.”
I closed my mouth lest tight and sucked on my secret like a sour piece of hard candy I was too stubborn to spit out. “You looove her.” The voice inside my head sang in an annoying tune reminiscent of grammar school taunting.
No I don’t, I lied to myself.
“No you don‘t what?” Nikki said staring at me. I realized I had spoken aloud. Great now I’m going out of my mind. Perfect. I ranted to myself. I could just see the scene now the mother superior would call my parents who would force me to see a physiatrist. Then through some sort of trickery I’d reveal all of my fantasies and desires and obsessions over my best friend to some balding middle aged man who smelled of old spice, peppermints and something sweet and cloying yet somehow sinister. My life would unravel in his office as some secretary with too long and too bright fingernails snuck personal calls in on the office phone in the lobby. Then my life would be over, my mother would start drinking vodka tonics for breakfast and washing them down with a cigarette, as my father began to curse at inanimate objects and relive war stories of a war he’d never been in. 10 years down the line my mother would be a drunk and my father would be out doing yard work in shorts, a sweater and dress socks in the middle of a thunderstorm.
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