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Chapter Two: Dear Diary

Dear journal,

Tuesday, May 13, 2001

Yesterday was the best day of my life so far. I finally found “the guy.” Dave is everything I am looking for and more. He was over at my apartment after drawing class just shooting the breeze with me. Everything unfolded when he discovered that I wrote gay porn stories. I was so afraid of his reaction only to find out that he was into guys too! I have been writing the stories for a year, only imagining what it would be like to be with a guy in real life. My one and only experience with a guy did not pan out the way I wanted to. Despite getting to know him first, once in bed he was too aggressive with me. After a minute of kissing me, I was panicked as my pants were pulled off and my legs were in the air. I ended up backing off and pissing him off in the process. Sorry, but I wanted more than to just be fucked! I was afraid to try again…until Dave.

I can’t believe how great the sex is with Dave. I am so comfortable with him! Thinking back to last night has me rock-hard. I still can’t believe that I found him. God, even after all those drawing classes together and all of the coffee breaks in between we still hadn’t “come out” to each other yet. Then yesterday it happened. I am smiling just thinking about it.

The nude model from class, Jack, had urged me to explore my sexuality. How right he was when he said I was cheating myself if I did not do that. He e-mailed me today from vacation. He was in Palm Springs at a gay resort with Chuck and I could not believe all of the things that he was experiencing. It was far beyond what I was game for, but I had to hand it to the man, he was definitely “living life.” I let him know that Dave and I had connected and how happy I was about that. Jack was very happy for me and he even seemed a little in awe of what I had found in Dave. I miss Jack; he is a special guy. The last time he wrote he told me, “Be fond of the man you drew in class, and I don’t mean ME!”

The power of the bond I feel with Dave is overwhelming. Being intimate with another man has been both my desire and my fear for my whole adult life. I was terrified that I would be very inhibited and modest. Wow, I surprised myself. Once I was in the situation, I just went with it. As I write about this I am playing it back in my mind, slipping my hand into my underwear and around my erection. Hmmm, this is the cock that Dave sucked. This is the pubic hair that his nose was pressed against. This is the cock that shot a hot load of cum onto his face and neck. Oh god, this is the cock that had been pressed against his cock while we kissed. I am getting so hot reliving it. Shit, I’ve got to pull my boxer briefs down. Oh man, I am so hard! Looking down at my throbbing penis I am reminded of his head bobbing up and down and Dave looking at me while his mouth was full with…ME! Just the memory of it has me ready to explode. So hard, so hot, so HARD…oh god so close…hold back…try to stop…too late…aaaahhhh! Oh man, oh man…oooooooooh!

What a mess I am. Jeez, it’s a good thing I keep this journal locked up!

Before he left last night, Dave asked me a rhetorical question. “Stuart, what have we started?” Neither of us knew the answer; we just knew that our lives would never be the same. I HAVE to be with him again. I am debating calling him only to realize that we don’t have each other’s phone numbers or e-mail addresses SHIT! I know I will have to wait until class tomorrow night. It will be a long fucking wait.

Wednesday, May 14, 2001

Today was a bitch at work. I had three meetings to go to and 69 e-mails to answer. Did I just write, “69?” God, I DO have it bad. :-)~ My mind has been in bed with Dave since Monday. I could not concentrate worth a damn today. I sat at my desk with a lump in my pants for hours. I kept wondering how I would hide it if I had to get up suddenly, yet at the same time the thought of it excited me! I somehow got through the day and after a quick dinner I headed for drawing class.

I got to class early, hoping to get some time with Dave to talk. 7:00pm and no Dave, so I headed inside. Well, his desk remained vacant the whole class. Adam, who is our eccentric instructor, stopped by my desk. “It looks as if Dave has better things to do than be here. Do you know where he is?”

“No, I don’t,” I replied. Adam was an oddball, but he was acting even odder now. I just wanted him to keep moving. Adam continued on, “He sent me a Fed -Ex envelope with a note to me and a separate envelope with it for you. Seems he is quitting class.” The bottom just fell out of my world. What did Adam just say? Oh my god. I was just sick inside and all sorts of thoughts were going through my mind. “Well,” Adam continued, “I meant to bring it to you but it is still in my office. We can get it at the break.” Adam then walked away. Wherever Dave was, he couldn’t be close by if he had to Fed-Ex a message to me. What the hell was going on and why was Adam making bartın escort me wait until break?

We had to sketch a unique body part every class. Adam calls it our “drill.” He says, “Class, you know the drill. Get started. You have ten minutes.” He lifted the cover off of his easel to dramatically display today’s timed drill. He was so goofy. He reminded me of the “Iron Chef” on TV with the “secret ingredient.” Today’s body part was the knee. As I started sketching, I remembered kissing the underside of Dave’s knees. I read somewhere that was a hot thing to do. I reminisced about the time, early in class, that Dave and I had partnered together and sketched each other. We kept blushing and laughing that night. I should have realized then that Dave dug me. Those portraits were then put away to be unveiled at the end of the semester. My drawing was suffering from my distractions. “What the hell is in that letter?”

After what seemed like an eternity, Adam told us to take a break. We went to his office to retrieve the letter. He handed it to me with a knowing look, his eyes piercing my own. I looked away. Heart pounding, I headed for the quad. I found a bench, sat down and tore open the seal. Inside was a single-page, typed letter on company letterhead. My eyes glanced down to the end and he had signed it in ink. My arms shaking and my pulse pounding in my temples, I began reading.

Dear Stuart,

Where to begin? I was going to call you but then I realized that I did not have your phone number. You are not listed…what’s up with that? I couldn’t even stop by your apartment; that’s how crazy it was yesterday. Stuart, I am in Chicago. I used to live here, remember? No, I guess you don’t because I don’t think I ever mentioned it. I will probably be here for awhile, so I told Adam I was quitting class. I guess that means that you will have to find another partner to draw your ugly mug. Just teasing you, Stuart! You are the last one in the world that would ever be considered ugly.

Monday was intense, wasn’t it? I need you to know that it was very powerful and meaningful to me. To know that I could “bring you out of your shell” like that was incredible. I can’t stop thinking about it. I wanted to be there to tell you that but I can’t. I am in Chicago to be with Rich. He only has a few weeks to live. Stuart, Rich and I were together for over a year. Man, I will be honest with you- I loved him. When he cheated on me, I felt like my life was over. I could not forgive him. I abruptly left Chicago for Dallas and I didn’t even tell him where I was going.

I adore his sisterGwen so I have stayed in touch with her. Well, she called me yesterday to tell me that Rich has advanced lymphoma and that he was begging her to find me. Stuart, I cried. I thought that I was completely over him. Despite the hurt, knowing that he is going to die makes me crazy. I started feeling guilty for not telling him where I was. Then I started feeling guilty for having feelings for him when I had feelings for you. Stuart…I miss him and this is something that I have to do. I need closure and I am hoping that you will understand that.

There is so much to tell you, yet so little time. I knew that if I overnighted this letter that you would understand why I was not in class. Forgive me for not somehow finding a way to get a hold of you before I left. I need some time to deal with this before we talk. Please give me some time, ok? I wish that I could hug you right now. I have a lump in my throat and I could sure use a hug back.


I read the letter three times, almost in disbelief. He left town to be with another guy! That asshole! I don’t know why, but I was shocked that he had been that close with someone. I was jealous of Rich, even mad at him. He had deceived and hurt Dave yet he still found a way to take him away from me. After pacing back and forth, I switched gears and was mad at Dave.

I sat back down with my head hanging down, the letter flapping in the breeze. I don’t know how long I had been sitting there, but I knew that class had long since resumed. I finally sat back up. Gazing at the rising moon, I realized that Dave did not belong to me just because we had incredible sex. We were close, I knew that much. Nothing could take away what we experienced on Monday. Then again, I refused to believe that he experienced that level of closeness with anyone else. Damn it! I know that I am being selfish, but I can’t help myself. I got up and went back to class, knowing but not accepting that Dave was asking for space.

Sunday, May 18, 2001

Each night since Wednesday I have been staring at the phone and wondering what is happening and why Dave doesn’t want to talk to me. This is making me crazy. I have waited too long in life to find him and I don’t want to lose him. I looked at the letter again. “I have feelings for you…I wish that I could hug you right now,” were his words. I glanced dully at the letterhead and bartın escort bayan it suddenly hit me. Why hadn’t I thought of it before? I can call his firm and get his cell number! I will find a way, somehow, even if I have to lie. For the first time in days I feel a glimmer of hope.

Tuesday, May 20, 2001

The plane is starting its descent into Chicago, so I have to put the laptop away now. I hope that I am doing the right thing. I called Dave’s office yesterday and after a couple of false starts, I managed to extract Dave’s cell phone number from his secretary. She tried to convince me that I should leave a message and wait for his return call but I did not relent. I had somehow won her over. During the weekend I had made the decision to join Dave in Chicago. It was risky, but I figured that he needed someone to lean on. I want to be that person. When I called him yesterday he was at first hesitant to let me come but after a few minutes he was choked up and he realized that he needed someone and he ended up almost begging me to make the trip. I was tremendously relieved and I am grateful that I have frequent flier miles to get me to him fast and cheap.

Wednesday, May 21, 2001

It is late and Dave is asleep. He had told me that he would pick me up at the airport so I headed for the passenger pickup area. I was very nervous about seeing him. Was I intruding? I suddenly had reservations about the whole thing. Well, one look at Dave and I realized that I belonged here. He got out of the car and hugged me for the longest time. He kept saying, “Forgive me, Stuart, forgive me.”

“For what, Dave?”

“For not asking you to come with me in the first place.” It was all I could do not to cry.

The drive to the hotel was a long one, so we had plenty of time to talk. We were stopped at a signal when he did the unexpected. He leaned over and kissed me. I could not hide my smile. “Thanks for that, Dave.”

“I am so glad that you that are here with me Stuart.” He told me that seeing Rich so sick made him realize that life is too short and that relationships are to be treasured. I see a more sensitive side to Dave and I really like it.

I was too nervous to ask where Dave was staying but he made it easy be saying, “Our hotel” is about ten minutes from Rich. When he opened the door to the room I noticed that he had wine in the ice bucket and some fruit and cheese ready. He noticed that I had spotted the bounty and he was beaming. He came over to me and we kissed. It seemed like it lasted forever yet I didn’t want the moment to stop. I actually felt really emotional all of a sudden and my eyes were wet. “Stuart, are you ok?” I replied back, “Dave, I am MORE than ok now that I am with you. I hated to say it on the phone, but I was worried that maybe you were overwhelmed when we, you know, “hooked up. I guess I thought that maybe I read more into it than you did. Then I got your letter and reading between the lines my gut said, “Go to him. He needs you.” Dave kissed me again and I felt his arms hold me close to him. I drank in his cologne (Lucky You) as he said to me, “I DO need you, Stuart.”

Dave spent the next hour telling me about Rich. They had met at a weeklong seminar in Florida about five years ago. Rich was the first guy that Dave had really fallen for. He told me that they took it slow but by the last night they had connected, promising to keep it real. Over the next several months they traded trips to see each other. Rich and Dave were both married at the time and both marriages were in trouble. They had that and their sexuality in common and they discovered it poolside in Florida. Finishing my second glass of wine, I kept thinking that the whole thing sounded like a Harold Robbins novel. I resented Rich at that moment and I hated that I couldn’t justify it. At the same time, I pondered my own divorce and how although I really loved my wife I had suppressed my sexual feelings toward men.

Dave told me that Rich had no idea that he was sick until he had his five-year physical and the doctor said that he wanted to do some tests. Turns out that Rich had lumps under his arms and that he knew they were there but he had been ignoring them. Talk about denial. Mental note: check my armpits tonight in the shower. The tests were positive for Lymphoma. Rich felt great and refused to believe it, but the doctors convinced him to start treatment. Within two months he had to leave his job and by the fourth month he was in hospice. Rich has mere weeks to live and he told Dave that he wanted to apologize for his affair. In fact, Rich was connecting with all of the important people in his life while he still has time.

Listening to Dave talk today, I felt very ashamed of the way I had been acting. I went over to Dave and hugged him. “Please take me to meet him, Dave. I want to meet Rich, really.” After asking if I was sure, Dave seemed very relieved, as if a weight had been lifted. In fact, within escort bartın ten minutes Dave and I were laughing again. At one point our conversation paused and we just looked at each other with smoldering eyes. Maybe it was the wine, maybe it was our emotions, but we got naked right there on the sofa in ten seconds, flat! Dave was on top of me, with his tongue in my mouth and his hand on my rigid cock. I could feel his cock against my leg and all I could think of was that I wanted to suck him. “Dave, Dave… Dave! Let’s go in the bedroom.” I told him that it reminded me of our first kiss in my kitchen when I almost came in my pants while grinding against him. We laughed at the memory as we chased each other into bed. Actually, we just took the sheets all the way to the floor and knocked the pillows out of the way. We were two hot and horny guys on a mission!

God, I wanted Dave so bad. Every erogenous zone in my entire body was screaming its pleasure as Dave kissed and licked me. He turned around and we quickly counted to 69. God his cock tasted so good. It turned me on to taste him while he tasted me. He stopped sucking long enough to ask me to get on top of him. After I had complied, I resumed sucking on his delicious cock while playing with his balls. Still in a 69 position, he pulled my knees toward him. I knew what he wanted and it made my cock pulse. Sure enough, he stopped sucking me and I felt his tongue against my hole. Oh man was I in heaven! I managed to get his legs high enough to return the favor. This was a new experience to me. I wasn’t the least bit hesitant, which surprised me. It all just felt so…right. Being together with Dave again while locked in a rim session brought me to a quick orgasm.

Panting, I stopped and grunted, “Here I come!” As I told him that, my cum shot out, lubing us both in my hot man-jizz. I felt Dave’s tongue probe deeper into my ass as the last of my juice rushed out. Out of breath, Dave then gasped, “My turn!” I had to have his cum, so I scooted back and grabbed his cock and brought it to my lips. Before my lips could encircle his delicious mushroom tip, the first spurt shot out and hit my chin. Not wanting any more to escape my eager mouth, I engulfed his throbbing penis. Each progressive spurt filled my mouth with his cum. I worshipped his cock with my tongue as he came down from his climax, with me returning to his still oozing cock to savor as much of him as I could. “Hey, I’m kind of sensitive, Stu. Turn around and come kiss me.”

I did as I was told, lying on top of him. Our tongues entwined, but this time at a slower pace. Our lips seemed like they were glued together as we ran our hands all over each other’s sweaty body. Dave raked his fingers through my hair and gently lifted my head up by the chin. We looked at each other for awhile while he caressed the side of my face and jaw, our silence conveying the bond we felt at that moment. Quietly, Dave told me, “Stuart, it’s never been this good for me before, not with anyone. There is something about you that is so…different.” Seeing the sincerity in his eyes, I responded back, “Ditto Dave, ditto.” He held me close and I felt his hands on my ass, pulling my ass cheeks apart, ever so gently. “Stuart, I want you to feel me inside of you. Are you ready to take it another step?” I lowered my head again, smiling before kissing him again. “Yes,” I whispered devilishly, “I want us to fuck, but only after a long, hot, soapy shower.”

I went into the bathroom and closed the door, looking into the mirror at my reflection. The hair on my chest and abdomen was coated with my cum. I could still taste Dave and I was slick with sweat. My male lover was in the other room and I was ready to fuck him. All of these thoughts kept popping into my brain. Chuckling at my reflection I said to myself, “You are gay, you are SO gay.” There was a time when that would have depressed me but I knew that sex did not get any better and that I had never “let go” like this with anyone in my entire life. I like men, let’s face it. I didn’t ask for that to happen but it did. It felt right to be intimate with another guy and that was only because that guy was Dave. That was what made it right. Now Dave wanted to fuck me.

I felt a bit nervous about the whole hygiene thing. I didn’t want to turn Dave off and I didn’t want to be turned off either. Hell, I had just licked his ass and was not repulsed. My tongue had even gone in just a bit and it didn’t jade me at all. Just thinking about Dave’s ass had made my cock hard again. I gave myself the “once-over” in the mirror. I keep my balls shaved because it feels sexy. I cupped them with my right hand while I stroked my shaft with my left hand. I love to jack off while running my hands over my soft, smooth balls. Dave knocked and, with a wicked smile, I told him to come in. I didn’t move from where I was and he stood there, looking at my reflection and my erect cock in my hands. He was smiling when I told him, “I was just taking a good look at that hot stud in the mirror. Look at him, all coated in cum and sweat.” I started laughing which caused him to start laughing. After a minute of that I was laughing so hard I had to sit down on the toilet. Finally, Dave said, “Stuart, you are probably sitting in the right place, consider what’s “cumming” next.”

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