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MistressThe Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei1WHY BECOME A MISTRESS?:Some Unexpected Pleasures”When we are flat on our backs there is no way to look but up.” – Roger W Babson”For my readers who have already tasted the heady wine of total control over a submissivemale, this question may seem absurd. The answer is so obvious: being a Mistress is fun.Female Dominance offers the Mistress a cornucopia of delights. (The submissive male enjoysit too, although there are moments in scene when he may not seem to do so.)But why should a woman enjoy forcing her beloved husband into a humiliating costume ofcorset, high heels, and ruffled sissy panties? What would make a man, often a powerful, highlypaid professional, gladly submit to a severe spanking while so attired? What is so much funabout playing power games?The reasons generally fall into three categories. First, the joy of escape into a fantasy world.Second, the sheer sensual delight of the costumes, the risk, and the physical stimulation.Third, the bliss of sharing the deepest possible intimacyand trust with another human being.The Joy of Fantasy. No matter how pleasant and fulfilling your daily life is, sometimes youneed to escape from your role as responsible adult, dutiful worker, or dedicated familymember. The more stressful that role is, the further it is from your own deepest impulses, themore you need an, escape from the limitations of everyday life. Some people use alcohol,d**gs, or gambling to transcend their ordinary lives, but these activities generally prove to beboth destructive and unsatisfying. But the escape provided by a rich fantasy life can beconstructive and extraordinarily fulfilling. Instead of destroying true intimacy, shared fantasyincreases it. Instead of harming the body, sexual release helps it. Instead of stifling the needsof your true self, fantasy allows you to express and realize your deepest needs – and in theprocess, fantasy brings forth a new, stronger reality.A New and Powerful Self. The practice of Female Domination allows the Mistress to expressher power, the tough and controlling part of herself that may be unacceptable at work or in thecommunity. When you assume the role ofMistress, with its attendant garb, behavior, speech, and rituals, you may feel like you arebecoming someone else. In the process, you will find yourself allowed to say and do thingsstrictly forbidden in ordinary life. Paradoxically, that someone else is yourself – just a part ofyourself that you don’t ordinarily allow to speak.The transformation is uniquely liberating. Letting your wicked and powerful inner self out toplay is more than a sure cure for stress. In Jungian terms, it is a way of integrating yourShadow, the hidden and rejected selfBecoming a Dominatrix may at first seem schizophrenic, especially if you are still a nice girl.Later you will find the Mistress’s powers infiltrating your daily life. For example, you maybecome more assertive in ordinary situations. If you can imagine commanding your leeringmale boss to lick your shoes for daring to take a liberty with you, you may react with the propericy disdain (plus lawsuit) when he sexually harasses you, instead of asking yourself what youdid to invite his unspeakable caresses. Eventually your Dominatrix self will be, not the oppositeof your usual self, but a playful intensification of it.As a Mistress, you will be able to command the respect you may not otherwise receive,because on many levels, our culture devalues the female and exalts the male. Every daywomen suffer the onslaughts of power-maddened males, from rowdy construction workers tocondescending bankers. (Congress alone should turn any self-respecting woman into aDominatrix.) It is a positive pleasure to come home from an encounter with a stupid, crude, ordemeaning male to a sissy maid who worships and adores your divine femaleness. A properlytrained male submissive will respect all the attributes of the female, from our pedicured feet toour delicate panties to our beautiful hair. And yes – our power as well.Moreover, you will enjoy the thrill of rebelling against all the deluded creatures (male andfemale) who taught you that men must be placated, appeased, and served. As a Mistress, youwill order a male to placate, appease, and serve you, a welcome change.There is also the simple excitement of power, which has been called the greatest aphrodisiac.Having your commands obeyed, your womanhood worshipped, and your lightest wishestreated as urgent commands is extremely arousing. You will learn to revel in the wicked thrillsof power: forcing a man into helpless bondage, ordering him to act as your maid, demandinghours of oral service from his willing mouth and tongue. The infliction of play punishmentbecomes a thrilling experience, for your blows (which he deserves and desires) will not onlyproduce gratifying evidence of your power in the form of tears, cries, and reddened nethercheeks, they will also produce a change in your partner’s behavior. Most of us wish to have aneffect in this world, and being a Mistress produces quite entertaining and immediate effects.A practical pleasure, but one not to be scorned, is the maid service a wise Mistress can extractfrom her submissive. Most women must beg, nag, and scold their men into doing housework,to no avail. Whether doing housework is part of your submissive’s fantasy – an it may well notbe – negotiating power play can make negotiating other roles much easier. If you have a sissymaid, your housecleaning days may well be over, for he takes pleasure in serving. Cooking,housecleaning, laundry (especially delicate hand laundry) can all become part of his sexualsatisfaction and evidence of your growing power.A New and Powerless Self. But what pleasure does the male find in his embarrassing andfrequently painful role? He too has a Shadow, a self he cannot acknowledge or express inordinary life. Boys mustn’t cry, or wear frilly clothes, or be passive; they have to be strong,silent, macho men. His role as sissy maid or well-spanked schoolboy or diapered baby permitshim to express forbidden emotions and wear taboo clothing. If he simply wants, openly andsincerely, to surrender his will to a woman, that need, as intense and undeniable as thirst, canfinally be slaked in scene. .Given society’s constant demands on men to be masculine, to take charge, to succeed, to getit up and keep it up, to do instead of be, it is no wonder that some of the strongest, brightest,and most successful males seek contact with their hidden selves through submission to awoman’s firm but kindly rule.The pleasures of the submissive are the polar opposites of (and therefore closely akin to) thepleasures of the Mistress. It is a truism that all polarities express the opposite ends of a singleprinciple or idea. Like yin and yang, darkness and light, submissive male and dominant femaleneed one another to be complete.Moreover, the two are not simply opposites. Even the most severe Mistress takes pleasure notonly in compelling her slave’s submission, but also in fulfilling his fantasies. Likewise, the mostsubservient slave enjoys not only surrendering to his Mistress’s power, but also gratifying hisown hidden desires. In short, however absolute the lady’s command may seem, it is alwaystempered with a concern for her submissive’s satisfaction and well-‘being. And likewise,however abject a slave may appear, he is in some sense in control of the situation, for if herefused to respond, the Dominatrix would no longer be in charge. The two roles are symbiotic.Moreover, a submissive never starts out powerless. He must have power in order to hand itover to his Mistress, who holds it in a blind trust until he needs it back. That may be at the endof a scene, after renegotiation, or even at the end of a lifestyle relationship.Nothing Could Be More Natural. The first power we all know is female. Although not allwomen are interested in exercising that power as a Mistress, both men and women find acertain innate fitness in female Dominance. It is a return to c***dhood and the loving rule of ourmothers, who might punish but who always forgave.Although all women start life as daughters, not mothers, they must someday move forwardfrom being a powerless c***d to being a woman in authority. Becoming a Dominatrix is one wayto celebrate your innate female strength. Indeed, every woman, whether she becomes amother or chooses not to . bear c***dren, must experience the transformation into a femaleauthority in order to become an adult and truly her own Mistress. (This is true even of femalesub missives, who find their greatest joy in surrender; choosing to surrender, choosing theirown Dominant, understanding and fulfilling their own sexuality, is a position of genuine power -power surrendered, but nevertheless consciously known, used, felt.)This transformation was considerably simpler in the days when Goddess worship was the rule.Without taking a stand on any specific form of modern Goddess worship, I must say that whenthe Feminine face of the Deity is neglected, things go sadly wrong. (See Chapter 2 for moreinformation.) Even without a solid religious structure to help a young girl deal with her passageinto womanhood, she must learn to accept and use her innate female power.Sensual Enjoyments. Aside from the psychological satisfactions outlined above, there arephysical pleasures unique to Dominance/submission, relationships. The role of Mistress is bothdemanding and sexually satisfying. The role of submissive – whether maid, slave, schoolboy -can stretch a male to his limits bur ends in true, deep release.Intense Stimulation. The submissive male enjoys female Domination . because it feels good.His major reward is erotic pleasure of an exceptionallyintense and prolonged nature. Some of the components of that pleasure may not seem tooenjoyable – spankings, enemas or diapering, foot worship, cock-and-baIl torture – but they arepleasurable, partly because they are so intense, partly because they promote a psychologicalletting-go that enables a male to achieve a splendid orgasm (if his Mistress permits).Perhaps the prime sensual enjoyment is the one least explicable to those who have neverplayed the game. Intense stimulation may seem like pain, but it is not (primarily) pain. Thedeep muscle stimulation of a spanking or paddling; the sense of compression inside a tightlylaced corset or a locked male chastity device; the overwhelming feeling of being possessedthat comes from anal penetration; the smaller but still intense sensations from the plucking ofpubic hairs, the pinching of nipples, or the pricking of the male’s glans: all these are intensestimulations. Under their influence, the male forgets himself and his worries, becoming nomore than a sexual toy for an all-powerful female tyrant. His mind cannot drift toward work ormoney or any other mundane consideration. He is bombarded by sensations – some painful,some pleasurable, some mixed, all intense.Within the world of the fantasy, all these feelings are not only permitted but encouraged. Andthey are enjoyed at the will of an imperious and often capricious Mistress, so the additionalpsychological stimulation of suspense is added to the already overpowering physicalsensations. Best of all, he is not permitted to spoil the stimulation by reaching orgasm.The sensation of being simultaneously urged forward and held back, both whipped and curbed,is the great defining experience of male submission. The result is stimulation added tostimulation, multiplied, reduplicated, intensified almost to screaming point. Then the suddenrelease of orgasm.Restraint, even forced restraint, increases male sexual satisfaction. Too many men, seekingimmediate release, rush through foreplay and intercourse, frustrating their partners andshortchanging themselves. Under the tuition of a Mistress, such males learn that their sexualsatisfaction must be delayed until the lady has had her fill of pleasure. A skilled Dominatrix willprolong the male’s sexual arousal, simultaneously forbidding and encouraging it, and therebygive him the great gift of true release.The Dominatrix enjoys prolonged stimulation as well. Both the demonstration of her power andthe subduing of her slave are quite arousing, but she often (if she is wise) has another form ofpleasure available to her. (And it’s good for her partner as well) I refer to the ancient andsacred practice of cunnilingus. Few women can get enough of this luscious activity, whilesubmissive males find it the ultimate act of worship. It fulfills the twin criteria of intensity andrestraint, for the male submissive kneeling before his lady’s Shrine is overpowered by hisnearness to her most intimate secrets. Nevertheless, he cannot mar the experience byclimaxing too rapidly, especially if the Mistress has had the forethought to fasten him into asecure chastity device. (See Chapter 8 for an illuminating discussion of ways to maintaincontrol of your submissive male while you are close to swooning with your fifth orgasm.)The Freedom to Feel. Paradoxically, many people find Dominance and submission fantasiesliberating. Under the feigned duress lies real permission to go and enjoy acts, clothes, orsensations that are otherwise strictly forbidden. Moreover, the submissive need feel no guilt forenjoying these things; not only did his cruel Mistress force him into those ruffled panties or thatdemeaning position of servitude, she also “punished” him for his transgression. The scenarioof misbehavior, punishment, and forgiveness is a classic Aristotelian plot that often both actorstheir traditional catharsis.The submissive’s release often includes tears. During Dominance play, many sub missivesresolve other tensions in their lives. Some males cannot cry except in the context of the game.Others need to express other taboo emotions: fear, anger, rebellion, contrition, orhelplessness. After his forbidden outburst, theMistress punishes him and then offers forgiveness and consolation.Submissive males, especially those in positions of extraordinary responsibility, also seekrespite from the stress of constant decision-making. It’s a relief to be told precisely what to doand how to do it, to have the penalties for mistakes so clear-cut and so immediate. A sessionof schoolboy discipline, for example, may be painful but it is also sure to have a happy ending.Real life is never so well choreographed or so satisfying.Forbidden Silk and Lace and Leather. Yet another attraction of female Domination is thechance to wear different clothes. Costumes, like uniforms, transform and identify their wearers.For the submissive male, who must wear tailored suits and strangling neckties to work, amaid’s uniform or a small boy’s clothing represent a break with the grind of daily life and anescape into the freedom of a new self.Many male submissives enjoy dressing in women’s clothing. Female garb is the ultimate breakwith society’s standards for manhood: deeply shaming, for every male is raised to despise thesissy, yet also compellingly erotic. Women’s clothing, with its soft textures, its lovely colors, itsdelicate construction, is designed to be sensual. Furthermore, it has the attraction of the utterlytaboo. A man in female dress is far beyond the bounds of the acceptable and is therefore free.Lastly, it is associated with women and their mysteries and the sexual bliss they may grant themale. Many males believe (wrongly, God knows) that, women’s lives are far easier than men’s.Is it any wonder that they seek an escape in the clothing and accessories of the blessedfemale?Sharing Intimacy and Trust. Without trust, a healthy Dominance/ submission relationship isimpossible. Only trust allows partners to discuss their fantasies in the first place, much less actthem out in great detail. Especially if the fantasy entails servitude, bondage, humiliation, orpain (and what submissive’s fantasies do not?), the deepest possible trust is necessary tomake the relationship work in the long term. Though some people find it easier to share theirsexual secrets with strangers, many others find such trust takes time to build. For them, onenightstands are out of the question. It is impossible to pick a man up, learn his needs, fulfillthem and yourself, and then disappear, all within the space of a few hours.By giving over his body to his Mistress, a submissive male is saying, “I trust you completely.”But what does that trust entail?First, the Mistress is responsible to know and respect her partner’s limits. If she stays too farwithin his bounds, he may feel frustrated, disappointed, and unsatisfied. If she crosses the lint:too far, he could be hurt, emotionally or physically. Learning how to push a man to his limits -and not beyond – is a complex process, and it takes time.Nevertheless, once that trust has been established, it is one of the great sources of joy in arelationship. My submissive husband trusts me with his body and knows I will not hurt himmore than he needs; he also knows that I am responsive and loving to his more conventionalneeds, and that he can trust me with his life as well as with a razor, some soap, and histesticles.Perhaps most important, sharing fantasies deepens the bonds between partners. A submissiveman who knows his wife or lover understands his deepest sexual needs (needs he may havealways been too ashamed of and too frightened to share) will be contented, faithful, andaffectionate. A Dominant Woman who understands her husband’s fantasies well enough toconstruct a satisfying scene for him will also understand other things about him, and she willbe strong enough to demand her rights should he attempt to grow domineering in their dailyrelationship. Marriages in which the Wife is Dominant are often the most egalitarian and themost truly satisfying. Furthermore, the Dominance/submission relationship is often played outas a switch: one time he takes control, the next he does. Such trust and intimacy are bound tohelp make a very happy marriage.If you are interested in the step-by-step creation of such intimacy, skip Chapter 2 and go on toChapter 3. If you still have doubts, read Chapter 2 before you go on.The Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei2THE RELUCTANT MISTRESS:Learning to Love CommandHow shall I rule over others, that hath not full power and command of myself? – FrancoisRabelaisDespite the catalogue of the pleasures of Female Domination given in Chapter 1, you haveturned to this chapter. Therefore I deduce that you are suffering some conflict over your role asMistress. You may feel guilty or ashamed about your fantasies of Dominating men, or you maybe in love with a man who has submissive fantasies and wants you to act them out with him.(He probably gave this book to you, unless, in a valiant effort to learn, you purchased it foryourself.) And you, wishing to please him but unwilling or unable to Rule him, feel lonely,confused, unhappy, repelled, or utterly inadequate. Possibly you yourself are a submissive,and despair at the thought of ever assuming authority.Is it possible for you to learn to love command? Can you become a happy, effective, andsatisfied Mistress? YES! Not every Female Tyrant started life with fantasies of punishing andcontrolling helpless males. Many learned first how to go through the motions of Dominanceplay and only later came to enjoy the experience.Not only will this book teach you how to become a Mistress but also how to have fun doing so.It is scarcely my intention to oppress Women with yet another duty owed to males. If, afterlistening to my suggestions and giving the fantasy a reasonable trial, you find that you do notenjoy Female Domination, don’t do it! If your male still insists, dump him. No one has the rightto force you into sexual acts that make you feel uncomfortable. However, you do owe yourselfa chance to try to understand and enjoy this new realm of experience. You may find that youenjoy it very much halkalı escort indeed.If you have long-standing fears or conflicts over sexual issues, do yourself the greatestpossible kindness and see a ther****t. The process may be painful, bu. (given a decentther****t and your own willingness to work) it can change your life.The Repressed DominatrixIs it possible to be a Domme and not know it? Absolutely. That’s why it’s always worth trying.Remember, if you hate it, you don’t have to keep doing it.I’ve known several wonderful Dommes who managed to go through twenty. thirty, forty yearswithout noticing their own deep need for sexual control. Then something changed – a friendsuggested it to them, or they heard or heard a story that unleashed their needs: Then all therepressed Dommeliness flowed back into their lives, energizing them sexually and giving newdepth and pleasure to their relationships. -Because our families and society don’t offer much support or many positive role models forWomen who need sexual control, it can be easy for us to pack away our dangerous desiresuntil it’s safe to bring them into the light. For years after I became an active Domme, I keptstumbling into memories of old fantasies and old activities that now, in hindsight, seemedunmistakably Domme. The hours and hours I spent on the phone with my best friend when wewere f******n, planning to k**nap a male friend of ours, were a definite clue; the elaborate anddark k**napping fantasies I had then had been totally repressed and forgotten until a friendasked me for suggestions on doing a consensual k**napping scene. I’d also forgotten thedungeon fantasies I had dating from my earliest years in school. The games I played with myfirst lover – making him sit up and beg, roll over, even bark – were so Dommely that I laughedaloud when I remembered them. I was sixteen then, but I had completely forgotten doing it.Being a Domme wasn’t emotionally safe for me then, so I saved it for the time when I wasstrong enough to do it right. .The Guilty DominatrixPerhaps you haven’t repressed your needs. All your life you have fantasized about Dominatinga helpless male. Your dreams may range from (relatively) conventional spanking scenes tofantasies of keeping a male as a sex slave to torment, tease, and control. But you have nevergone forth to find a submissive male. Why not? Here are some possible reasons:1. You can’t respect a man who wants to be Dominated.2. You don’t believe any men actually want to be Dominated.3. You’re afraid the real experience won’t measure up to your fantasies.4. You’re afraid that you would or could seriously hurt the submissive male.5. You don’t believe that it’s morally right for WOmen to Dominate men.6. Your man (past or current) tried it and hated it. There’s no point in trying again.I shall deal with these problems one by one, in numbered order.1. You can’t respect a man who wants to be dominated. Somewhere inside, you secretlycherish the image of the macho male so celebrated by our patriarichal culture. I could simplydismiss this as an individual aberration (if you haven’t noticed that Rambo is a homicidalmaniac and an asshole to boot, you’re hopeless), except that this widespread attitude must bedemolished. Otherwise, strong and healthy Women may find themselves wondering uneasily iftheir submissive males aren’t, well, a little unmanly. Nothing could be further from the truth!First, let’s take a look -at the Rambo model of masculinity. (I could evince a dozen other actorswho have made this disgusting creature their specialty, but why advertise them?) His bestpoints are physical strength and willingness to defend his family or his honor (usually thelatter). His worst points are a deranged predilection for v******e, unveiled hatred and contemptfor Women, unwillingness to listen to reason, and total emotional isolation except for anoccasional Female bedmate (who is killed off by the end of the film) and his male buddy (andGod knows they scarcely share much real feeling, unless committing mass murder togethercan be called a sharing experience). He doesn’t think, read, feel, or talk. He kills. His onlyemotion is rage, and all too often that rage is turned against Women, who in these films arealways either pure good passive Females (almost invariably victims) or slaughterous bitches.Is that real manliness? Do you want your sons growing up to behave like that?A submissive male, on the other hand, serves, honors, and respects Women. He can feel; thewhole point of the fantasy is often to provide an outlet for emotions our society has defined asforbidden to men. His deep emotional connection to his Mistress enables them to share thefantasy.But is he strong? Absolutely. He would lay down his life for his Mistress. And he’s likely,statistically speaking, to be a high-earning professional, an intellectual, a powerful man with aresponsible job. A man who needs the release of letting someone else decide and choose foronce; a man who understands that his Feminine side, crushed by the ceaseless demands ofhis work, must find some expression in his life.The modern ideal of manhood is based on the machine. No, not just any machine, a machinegun. The submissive male’s ideal of manhood is the medieval ideal, a man sworn to serve andprotect an all-powerful Lady; he is proud to wear her favor, to show the world the Woman towhom he owes allegiance, love, and service. Though he can fight, he can also love. He is notashamed of his emotions or his spirituality. He is both a poet and a knight; a complete humanbeing. And he longs with all his heart to serve his Mistress.Which man is more worth your respect?2. You don’t believe any men actually want to be dominated. Just look in the classifieds of anyalternative newspaper. They’re begging for it A man may be too shy to tell you his fantasies onthe first date, but just you suggest it and see how fast he’ll jump at the chance.3. You’re afraid the real experience won’t measure up to your fantasies. Possibly it won’t atfirst. Developing a shared fantasy takes time and trust. Follow the detailed instructions given insubsequent chapters, and you’ll have both a healthy relationship and a satisfying role asMistress. After you’ve grown used to actually commanding a male, mere fantasy Rule willforever seem flat and pallid to you.4. You’re afraid that you would or could seriously hurt your submissive male. There are reallytwo issues here: Could you hurt him? and Would you hurt him? Could you hurt him? It ispossible, but get given detailed instructions (for example, the ones in this book) and areasonable amount of care, serious harm is exceedingly unlikely. Ever a severe spanking won’tkill him. But you may have a deep, hidden fear of the harm a Girl can do to a boy. Did yourparents ever warn you against harming men? Try to bring these issues to the surface and dealwith them before you set up your first scene.Would you hurt him? That’s another question entirely. Look inside yourself. If you do wish tohurt a man, please see a ther****t and get rid of your rage before you try to act out yourfantasies. I am not answerable for the consequences if you don’t listen to this warning.5. You don’t believe that it’s morally right for women to dominate men. Your moral beliefs arebetween you and God. But if you are open to argument, please read the section of this chapterentitled “A Defense of Female Domination.”6. Your man (past or current) tried it and hated it. There’s no point in trying again. Yes, there is.Especially if the man who hated it is no longer your partner. If your current man tried anddisliked the experience, try talking with him about it. What was the problem? Was heuncomfortable with the intensity of his emotions? Did it evoke c***dhood feelings ofhelplessness or pain? Did he feel rushed into too deep a servitude? Did he feel uncomfortableusing the safeword? Was there a specific act that bothered him? Would something else workbetter?If discussions go nowhere (he won’t talk or won’t say more than that he hated it), maybe youdo have to choose between acting out your fantasies or staying with your current partner. Butmore often, you’ll find that he liked it, but it went on too long, or something you said remindedhim of his mother (a sure passion-killer), or he simply felt silly wearing high heels and wouldhave preferred to be tied up.With time, a guilty Dominatrix can relax and enjoy enacting her most secret fantasies. Youalready possess the most important quality needed for a Mistress: the willingness to rule. Onceyou actually take charge, you (and the submissive males in your life) will have a wonderful time.The Unwilling DominatrixThe truly unwilling Dominatrix has no fantasies of controlling males. She may just beuninterested in playing games with the balance of power in her relationships; she herself maybe submissive; or she may be revolted by the idea of hurting someone.These three types – the Bored, the Submissive, and the Terrified – all deserve individualconsideration.-The Bored. If you are not interested in Female Domination, and several attempts have failedto arouse any spark of desire, try reading the rest of thebook. You may simply never have found the right scenario. If nothing here appeals t9 you, it’sprobably safe to say that you are not and will never be a Mistress. No matter how fascinatingothers find the subject, you cannot be talked into Female Domination. Try another fantasy. Youcan be a sexually powerful, loving, strong woman without doing FemDomme.-The Submissive. If you are a submissive yourself, you understand the joys of beingDominated, punished, and consoled. Consequently you may feel that the place over the kneeis rightfully (and delightfully) yours. However, some of the best Dommes I know started out assubmissives who widened their repertoire. Best of all, you don’t have to give up the joys ofsubmission in order to enjoy Dominance. As a switch, you automatically double your chancesfor a date at any play party, and you get the best of both worlds.It’s worth trying the Dominant role a few times to see if you enjoy it. You may prefer to havedifferent partners for each role – one person to Domme you, another to sub to you – or you mayenjoy switching with your primary partner.If you yourself cannot do it, but the idea intrigues you, make up a wicked sister and step intoher Dominant personality. Use your imagination to create a world in which you are the cruelMistress and your partner is me infinitely punishable bad boy or sissy maid or whatever hisspecific fantasy is. If he is at all fair (and he should be), your mate will reciprocate with anevening of whatever kinky activities you crave.Of course, you may find that you are a hard-wired submissive with no Dominant tendencies -but at least you’ve tried.-The Terrified. If you are terrified or revolted at the thought of Female Domination, you may befacing one of two problems. (Maybe both.) Perhaps you believe that any Dominance play issick, that it leads to the devaluation of Women or to real ****, mayhem, and murder, and thatanyone who tries it is well on the way to becoming America’s next serial killer. Or you may holdmore tolerant opinions of Dominance play in general, but the idea of your taking part deeplydistresses you. These two attitudes might be called the Political and the Personal.Political Terror. Dominance play can be a difficult problem for a committed Feminist. (As acommitted feminist myself, I should know.) I refuse to toss around sneering terms like “politicalcorrectness”; I respect your stand, though I disagree with it. But I would like to point out thatpower is ineradicable in people’s lives, and that playing conscious games with it is far healthierthan allowing it to remain potent and unexamined, causing problems behind the scenes. Asidefrom the usefulness of Women trying on the role of Tyrant, all consensual Dominance playteaches the shared, symbiotic use of power. Consent works both ways. Just as not allintercourse is ****, not all power games are evil manipulations.Your objection could be more psychological: you may reject Dominance play because you aredisgusted and frightened by the horrors of nonconsensual sadomasochism. You are right tofear the psychotic few. Bur the link between consensual fantasy and violent crime doesn’t hold.People who engage in Dominance play or even in Dominance fantasy rarely commit sexcrimes; most of them refuse even to hit their c***dren, an act strongly endorsed by traditionalculture. The two types of Dominance are totally different, not just in degree but in kind. I like todrive fast, but I’m no carjacker. I break the driving laws when I go over 65 mph, and so doescarjacker when he steals a Mercedes at gunpoint, but I don’t think the two acts arecomparable, or that driving too fast in my elderly station wagon will make me steal somebody’ssports car. Or, to put it in other terms, somebody who enjoys a rare steak isn’t necessarily acannibal.Doesn’t consensual Dominance play lead to harder stuff? (Shades of Reefer Madness.) No. Infact, if Jung is to be trusted, people who are aware and accepting of their forbidden desires(the Shadow) are far less likely to have them erupt in a way that could devastate themselvesand everyone around them. Anyone mentally healthy and aware enough to deal withDominance fantasies in a consensual relationship is exceedingly unlikely to go on tononconsensual activities.There is a further logic problem to assuming that Dominance games lead to dreadful results.Don’t fall into the trap of Krafft-Ebing, the Victorian psychologist who wrote the seminal work onsexual deviance, Psychopathia Sexualis. His case histories (which range from n*********acs toa man who had sex with a chicken) all gleefully note that, without exception, these pervertshad been known to masturbate. Therefore masturbation caused their sick behavior.Unfortunately for the good doctor, almost everybody else masturbates, too, and few of us havebeen known to ravish domestic fowl, much less dig up graves. That’s like saying that breathingair causes death, because all people who die have breathed air.Personal Terror. If you are seriously distressed at the thought of Female Domination, you maybe dealing with deeper issues than who gets tied up tonight. I will gently explore these issues,and then, as always, I will recommend that you discuss them with a competent ther****t.Perhaps that sounds comic, but I mean it seriously. If you are absolutely psychologicallyunable to take charge sexually, whether during intercourse or only in fantasy play, you haveunnecessarily limited your range of expression. A ther****t can help you find out why and helpyou free yourself from your fears and inhibitions.The intense distress you feel at being asked to Dominate a man may even be cognitivedissonance: the clash of conflicting identities. Reared to be passive and accommodating tomales, you are faced with an impossible situation: to accommodate the man you love, youmust cease to be passive. This is a classic double bind; you cannot with any comfort or peacechoose either alternative. Consequently, you are miserable. When you realize that he ismiserable too, you may feel even worse. How can you make a fuss over such a small thing?It is not a small thing, I assure you. The ordinary sex-stereotyping of our society is destructiveenough; it makes Women who are strong or fat or smart or otherwise “different” feel like filthy,unlovable monsters, crimes against nature. (I will say that the Female Dominance culture isgenerally very accepting of such departures from the weak, thin, dumb blonde who isapparently the belle ideale of our culture.) Adding Female Dominance to the list may make youfeel like a total freak.Worse yet, you may have suffered additional experiences that sensitized you to the problem.For example, if you were reared with a violent father, as I was, ordering a man to do yourbidding may be completely beyond you. You’ve learned to lie low, lest your abusive fatherdestroy you. Any attempt to repress your feelings and force your way through the situation mayresult in serious psychological harm. Yes, at some point you must confront your terror andrealize that your taking command, even in play, will not result in your instant destruction, but Ibeg that you will do so only in the care of a qualified counselor. This took me years of therapy,but the pain was well worth it, because I was able to reclaim my power not just in the sexualarena but in all the other areas of life where I had been hiding from my own strength.Some Women reared in such dreadful family situations may not be passive, but may espouseegalitarianism with a zeal that makes Female Dominance – or any Dominance – psychologicallyimpossible. If you are one of them, you will not serve, but you will not Rule, either. Powerbelongs to the cruel parent, and with a fierce-pride you refuse to touch it. Your own carefullybuilt self-image would shatter if you did, for you would be forced to see that you are like themonster who made your early life a misery.Neither of these attitudes is especially healthy, though God knows they are understandable.Power in itself is not evil, and the playful exchange of power between consenting adults is a farcry from the thuggish brutality of an abusive adult terrorizing a helpless c***d. With professionalhelp you can reclaim the strength in yourself that your mate sees and desires, and learn toexercise the Rule you were born for.The Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei3FINDING (OR CREATING)A Submissive Male”Attempt the end, and never stand to doubt; Nothings so hard but that search will find it out. ” -Robert Herrick, “Seek and Find”Inaugurating a lifetime of blissful Female Domination may be as simple as taking commandone night in bed. Or it could be as time-consuming as placing a classified ad in the localalternative newspaper, screening your respondents, and choosing one for the honor of beingyour sissy maid. In ordinary circumstances, however, the process is laughably easy, onceyou’ve accepted your Dominant nature. (This chapter may be skipped by Mistresses whoalready possess a submissive male. You should proceed to Chapter 4, even if you’ve alreadybegun to Rule him.)Retraining Your PartnerThe easiest way to find a male to Rule is to look in your own bed. As Dorothy so sagelyobserved, the best place to search for what you want is usually your own back yard. If youhave Dominant stirrings, your partner has probably already responded to them, albeitu*********sly. In fact, he may have been attracted to-you precisely because you are aDominatrix.In the days before I was conscious of my own Dominant desires, I was puzzled and amazed bythe numbers of males who hinted to me that they sought to submit themselves completely to aWoman. I didn’t even pick up all the hints at the time; many became clear only after I became apracticing Mistress. Yet I was giving off all the signals proper to Dominant Women: I wasstrong, sexual, confident, and perfectly willing to rub a male’s nose in the dirt, at least duringintellectual debates.But even I, who was glad to demolish a male’s intellectual pretensions with a single scorchingphrase, needed to overcome a certain learned passiveness. Sexually and intellectually I was atigress, but all too often during relationships I became a kitten, which was disappointing tomales and damaging to me. Despite my natural sexual aggressiveness, taking that next stepwas a huge hurdle. Let me make it easier for you, dear Reader. I will tell you exactly how toteach your partner to accept Female Domination. (I presume you have already accepted it inyourself. If not, go back to Chapter 2.)Easing Him Into It. You may wish to start him out gently, if you’ve been a passive partner sofar. Start by taking command in bed. Don’t just lie there and wait for him to touch you. taksim escort Touchhim. Pinch his nipples: most submissive males respond strongly to this, though some hate it (inwhich case it makes an excellent punishment). Stroke and knead his buttocks. Ask him to godown on you. Then, when you are ready for intercourse, get on top of him.If he responds badly to all this energy on your part, you may have a problem. Possibly he is aDom, in which case you need to talk. Or perhaps he is not a Dom, but just a jerk. Is hedomineering and inflexible in other aspects of your life together? Is he intensely jealous andpossessive of you? Does he take offense at your independence or your opinions? is he touchyabout his male pride? Maybe you should get a new man. Even if you’re willing to keep FemaleDominance no more than a private fantasy, consider dumping this guy. He could bedangerous. Even if he isn’t, life is too short to waste on a macho jerk.Most males, on the other hand, are thrilled when a Woman takes the sexual initiative. Whilesharing the afterglow, tell him how much you enjoyed taking charge. Ask him if he’s everfantasized about being dominated by a Lady. If he says yes or maybe, you are home free.Propose a fantasy session in the near future and skip to Chapters 5 and 6 to get fullinstructions on preparing the scenario.Even if he doesn’t admit to fantasizing about serving a harsh Mistress, he may be intrigued bythe idea. Find out what his sexual fantasies are and try to blend them into a Dominancescenario.For example, if he loves cunnilingus and can’t get enough of it, suggest a scene in whichworshipping at your Shrine is a reward for obeying you for an hour. Start him out on lightobedience: hand-washing your panties, perhaps giving you a bath and then rubbing you allover with warmed lotion. If that idea arouses him (and if he’s human, it should), act out thescene, remembering always to stay in command! You might slap his buttocks lightly for afancied mishandling of your panties, but don’t do a full-fledged spanking if he doesn’t respondwell.Then allow him to offer you the oral servitude that is his reward. Once you’ve had as manyorgasms as you please, allow him to come by masturbating with a pair of your panties, thesilkier the better. Resist the temptation to push the scenario too far into heavy obedience orserious punishment. If he enjoys a pleasant first time, he will be hooked, and you will be wellon your way to total control of a male.If he isn’t willing to try even such a simple scenario, you must not give up hope. Steer himtoward catalogues, stores, and fiction that emphasize Female Rule. Only when he has made itclear that he isn’t interested and never will be should you abandon hope.The Deep End. If you’ve always been sexually aggressive with your partner, or if you’vealready tried out various fantasies together, your best bet might be to spring Female Rule onhim. Plan the first scenario (using the instructions in Chapter 5 and 6) for a weekend when youboth have time for lengthy sex play.This technique is more likely to fail when your male is under serious stress, so a weekend orvacation is the best time.Then send him out for the newspaper and, when he returns, take over. You should alreadyknow him well enough to guess whether he would be more responsive to a VictorianGoverness-scolding him for disobedience and promising him a thorough caning, or a leathercladAmazon threatening to tie him to the bed add use him sexually, or an imperious Queendemanding instant maid service. Tell him the safeword and then enjoy.Afterward, discuss the details of the experience, your reactions, and his reactions, and makeplans for another session. You’re on your way to a zesty and satisfying life as a Female Tyrant.Finding a Submissive MaleIf you’re currently between men, or you’ve decided to ditch your uncooperative partner, thereare several ways to find a submissive. These suggestions also work well if you prefer not to beinvolved in a romantic relationship with your submissive, but simply want male maid service orsubmission.Wanted: Sissy Maid for Dominant Vixen. One place to look for a partnerin Dominance / submission games is the classified ads of your local alternative newspaper.Free weeklies such as the City Paper (published in Chicago, Philadelphia, Baltimore, and othercities) or unconventional newspapers such as the Village Voice offer reasonable ad rates;many have special sections for people looking for unusual sexual activities. Most even offervoice mail.If you live in an area that doesn’t support an alternative newspaper, you may still be able touse a classified ad. The specialized publications that cater to Dominant Women and theirpartners offer classified ad sections with national distribution. Sometimes Women’s ads arepublished for free in these publications, as long as you include a photograph of yourself. Manyof the picture ads in these magazines are those of professional Mistresses, however. If you arean amateur Dominatrix seeking a continuing relationship, your ad may be misread. It’sprobably advisable to stick with the newsletters that feature word-only descriptions; they areaimed at a different audience.You may choose to answer a man’s ad, place your own, or do both. If you answer the ad of asubmissive male, make sure your reply is not a supplication but a firm, even stern statement ofyour needs and desires. Do not permit him to to boss you; many submissives test theprospective Mistress to see if she is really in charge. Stay in command!Your own ad should be clear and authoritative, as befits a Dominatrix. Make it clear what youexpect from the submissive: service only, a romantic relationship with full-time Dominance, ora romantic relationship with occasional sessions of discipline or maid service.Many males ask to see a photograph with your reply, since they too often judge Women withtheir eyes only. You may choose to provide a standard photo or have a friend take specializedpictures of you in Mistress garb. (Use a Polaroid or digital camera, and black out youridentifying features at first.) Or you may, quite rightly, refuse to provide any picture at all untilyou’ve established a rapport with the submissive. Remember, you are in charge. He issupplicating you for your favors. There are many more submissive males than DominantFemales, and they have to compete for our attention. (A great change from the meat-marketsingles-bar scene!)If you do advertise or answer ads, follow some elementary safety tips when you respond toletters or messages. Correspond with the man or men for a while before you meet. Get toknow more about the submissive than his fantasies. Is he someone you would be interested indating, -even if you weren’t going to Dominate him? Does he sound sincere? Does he haveany weird or dangerous ideas? What is his romantic history? His job history? Is he married?When you do decide to set up a meeting, don’t try to start off with a scene.Meet him for lunch in a public place to see if he is clean, attractive, tolerable. Tell a friendwhere you will be and with whom, and have a safe call set up, so she will call the cops unlessyou contact her at a specified time. Let him know he is on probation; you have other malesapplying for the position of sissy maid (or naughty schoolboy, or whatever), and you mustinterview all of them before you choose whom to honor with your Rule. Resist any pressure togo off with him right away; waiting sharpens desire. (Anyway, you are in charge, not him.) Andget HIV tests before you even consider swapping any bodily fluids. Yes, I realize that you mustwait six months for a clean test, but you don’t want to die for a fantasy, do you?Furthermore, sharing a satisfying Dominance scene absolutely requires knowledge of eachother, knowledge not easily or quickly gained. You have to develop a rapport, a trust in oneanother. Two strangers trying to play out a fantasy together is just too pitiful and toounsatisfying for you, a Mistress, to endure. The one-night stand is for lesser Women who havenot yet realized that they control their own sexual destiny, who fear (poor deluded Girls) thatthe male will vanish like smoke if he isn’t instantly sated. As a Dominatrix, you know better thanthat.Clubs and Social Groups. Another way to meet submissive males is through specializedsocial groups and clubs. If you wanted to meet a stamp collector, you would join the localphilatelic society. If you want to meet a submissive male, join a group like PEP (PeopleExchanging Power), the Connecticut Leatherfolk, The Eulenspiegel Society, Black Rose, theSociety of Janus, or your local group. They advertise in alternative papers and in the nationalnewsletters for Dominant Women.Although many groups accept only couples and single Women, usually the members knowunattached submissive males who are clean, presentable, and disease-free. A personalrecommendation is often the best way to meet a submissive. Furthermore, these groups cangive you fresh ideas, emotional support, and an active social life. Even if you already possessa submissive, you might want to look them up.Meeting Online. There are now so many websites, chat rooms, IRC channels, and forumsdevoted to various forms of BDSM that I cannot possibly list them all. My favorite is still andalways the Adult Sexuality forum of CompuServe (GO HSX200), which offers a special sectionjust for power exchange. The local style is definitely reflective and intellectual, rather thanfantasy-based, but I know of more than a dozen marriages and five times that many serious,-lasting relationships that started in HSX.There are several potential pitfalls to meeting online. First, you may not know if your potentialpartner is telling the truth about his age, sex, marital status, looks, interests, level ofexperience, intentions, or anything else. If you do become interested in someone online, insiston taking plenty of time to get to know each other, talk on the phone as well as online, and askfor references from other people who have met him in 3D.Second, online communication can be so intimate that it moves much faster than other formsof romance. It’s easy to fall in love with someone who seems to echo your every thought, butthat, in fact, is a clue that he’s necessarily telling the truth. Even if he is everything he claims tobe, miscommunications and unspoken assumptions can wreck a romance. When all see ofone another is bare sentences, it’s easy to fill in the background with what you want most,rather than dull old reality. Talk about everything that’s important to you, not just your owndeveloping passion. That’s the way to keep things in perspective.Third, he may be interested in hotchat or phone sex but not in a 3D relationship, or vice versa.Figure out what you want and make that clear up front.. It’s a waste of time and emotionalenergy to try cyber Dommeing someone in hopes that you will someday meet, when he has nodesire or expectation of taking the relationship past the screen. Likewise, if he wants amarriage to a Domme, and you want a stable of cybersubs to share hot fantasies, he’s going tofeel used and exploited if you don’t make your intentions clear.I’ve been burned myself in romance and friendship online by people who were insincere orexploitive. If he insists on-keeping your relationship a secret, there is a reason. He may besweet-talking you in one window while he woos the next victim in another.I don’t want to quench your enthusiasm for cyber, but it’s a fast car on a very curvy road, and itneeds a lot of skill and attention to control. Cyberscenes can be incredibly hot, and most of mybest friends were met online. The information, support, friendship, and yes, romanticpossibilities offered by online communication mean that everyone can have access to greatkinky ideas – not just the lucky few who live in San Francisco or New York City.The Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei4MAINTAINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP:Balancing Fantasy and Reality”Marriage is a noble daring. ” – DrydenThe better your relationship before you try Female Dominance, the less likely you are toencounter problems after you first exercise your right to Rule. Nevertheless, any change in arelationship requires a period of adjustment, and beginning to play out sexual fantasies is noexception. This chapter will help you and your partner to adapt to the changes, avoid thepitfalls, and savor the benefits of a Feminine Regime.Personality Changes and Potential Bad ReactionsFemale Dominance may change you – and him – in unexpected ways.Although most of the changes will probably be positive, you could also encounter a problem ortwo.It may seem that undue stress has been put on various psychological problems in the pagesthat follow; these warnings are not a sign that every couple who tries Female Domination is apair of potential crazies, or that everyone who plays with power is secretly mad. However,Dominance play may remind people of various cultural or personal problems, and I would beirresponsible if I didn’t address those issues. Most of you will experience minor problems, if anyat all.Your New Power. After you learn to demand, to command, and to control in your fantasysessions, you may find yourself becoming more assertive in other situations as well. Especiallyif you were timid instead of confident, Girlish instead of Womanly, you may undergo a deeptransformation. Such an increase in power is normal and natural. You have found a newforcefulness, a new will, in yourself, and you are eager to exercise it. More power to you; theworld needs strong Women. However, your mate, your friends, and your colleagues may havea hard time dealing with your newly assertive ways. And you may even go a bit overboard atfirst, enjoying your new strength without considering how it affects others.Where you once meekly let others interrupt you, you now speak up. Where you once offeredideas tentatively, as a question, you now offer decisive pinions backed up by shrewdarguments. You may hear comments about how much more energetic you seem, how muchmore confidence you have. You could attribute your new power to therapy or assertivenesstraining, if you like, or you could tell a few chosen friends about your adventures in the art ofFemale Dominance. Why not share the pleasure?However, if you find yourself constantly interrupting others, scorning their ideas, or demandingservice as a right from your colleagues, you may have gone too far. At home you may beQueen of all you survey, but at work and with friends, you should be a Woman of balance:strong, thoughtful, considerate, and firm. A Woman inhabits her own space fully but doesn’tseek to conquer others space, any more than she allows others to impose upon her. Shecompetes passionately – with her eyes on the goal, not with dirty tricks or cheap shots. Andwhen she wins, she is gracious to those who haven’t won.If you have stepped a trifle beyond the line in your first transports of pleasure, do not blameyourself unduly. Time and awareness of others will help you grow accustomed to yourQueendom. The giddy sensation of dawning power should settle into a calm self-confidence.Bad Reactions – His. A man who has always longed to surrender his will to a DominantWoman may find himself facing various ambivalent emotions the day after he has actuallydone so. Perhaps the session was disappointing. Or he disappointed himself by being able toendure less pain than he thought he could. Or he thoroughly enjoyed it but now feels less thanmanly. Or the session brought up frightening memories or emotions that He must grapple withor try desperately to repress.-The Disappointing Session. This is probably the most common problem. Especially after yearsof fantasy, a real-life scenario can hardly live up to the fabulous intensity of the submissive’sdreams. His fantasies may have ‘ involved deep humiliation, severe punishment, and slavishservice, but he wanted all those things, done in that precise order and in that exact way. Asabject and helpless as he seemed in those fantasies, they were carefully choreographed tosuit his tastes.Even the best-planned scenario may not measure up to fantasy. Few sessions are perfect, andsome submissives may feel the whole scene is ruined by a single flaw.Furthermore, there is an unavoidable distance between fantasy as it is dreamed and fantasyas it is enacted; they are never the same. In fantasies submissives bear intense pain bravelywhile totally under the command of an impossibly Dominant Female. The reality of a sorebottom and a slightly unsure Mistress – or even one who is confident but simply different thanhis dreams – may be a crashing disappointment to him. That gap between dream and realitycan mar even a skilled Mistress’s best efforts, especially the first time. This reaction is less andless common as you go on with Female Domination, as you understand each other’s fantasies,grow accustomed to your new roles, and learn to relax and enjoy the mental dimension of thefantasy as much as the physical intensity.Reactions to the imperfect session differ, depending on your submissive’s temperament. Hemay become depressed, feeling he will never find the perfect Mistress. He may blame you fornot living up to his standards, or he may merely feel that your Dominance style doesn’t meshwell with his needs. If he accepts that the first time is never the best, that patience, practice,and communication can build a very satisfying fantasy fulfillment, then he may be mildlydisappointed but more excited that he has actually enjoyed what he so long desired.The ideal way for both of you to respond to the disappointing session is to discuss what wentwrong and why. The more you know about one another, the more openly you can discuss theaction and the fantasy, what worked and what didn’t, the better suited to one another you willbecome.-The Disappointed Submissive. Sometimes the scene will go smoothly, but the submissive willbe disappointed anyway – not in the session but in himself. He may have dreamed of takingheavy spankings and then found himself hurting and distinctly unaroused. Instead of gaining asexual thrill from serving you, he found himself a little bored as he scrubbed out the toilet.Clearly he hasn’t lived up to his own fantasies, or so he thinks.The real problem here is that the two of you aren’t engaging the fantasy intensely enough.Merely performing the actions appropriate to Dominatrix and slave aren’t enough; you mustspice them with fantasy. An inexperienced submissive cannot bear much pain, so you mustmake him believe that a very mild castigation is the most intense punishment possible. In thecontext of the fantasy, it is. See Chapter 5 for specific recommendations.-Post-Submission Anxiety. You’ve gone through a very successful session, in which you keptthe whip hand the whole time, forcing him into the submission he longed for, and giving him(and of course yourself) a spectacular release. Afterwards, he tells you that was the best,better a thousand times than any fantasy. So why is he anxious, hostile, apologetic, ordepressed the next day?Post-submission anxiety generally occurs in a man who is secretly ashamed of his submissivetendencies. He may feel that he has lost or betrayed his manhood by submitting to you. Hemay feel sorry that he has “forced” you into doing something he finds shameful, selfish, or low.He may be feeling a sense of self-disgust that he ever indulged in such practices. He mighteven be disgusted with you for participating, or angry, or contemptuous.To some extent, you can soothe his anxieties by encouraging him to discuss them andlistening calmly while he does. Offer reassurances appropriate to the situation and his feelings.Understand that mixed feelings are common about any sexual experience, much less one asheavily tabooed and emotionally charged as fantasy Dominance play.Many people involved in power-exchange play have ambivalent şişli escort feelings about their fantasiesand needs. Our society doesn’t offer healthy models of that kind of sexuality. Instead it givesus the image of the Marquis de Sade or Jeffrey Dahmer for male dominance, and everycrushed. bleeding battered wife (“see, they really enjoy it or they wouldn’t stay”) for femalesubmission. And these are considered the natural gender roles!For those who defy the culture’s prescribed gender roles, the situation is even bleaker. Wehave no image at all of Female Dominance, unless you count the desexualizing and viciousattacks on strong women in public life (they’re always referred to as ballbusting bitches, andthe remedy for their power is ****; their sexuality is supposed to be expressed entirely bycastrating males). If a man wants to be submissive, he is a pussy-whipped Caspar Milquetoastand no real man at all. (Real men dominate Women, not submit to them.)During the heat of fantasy, it’s easy to let the inner desire drown the voices of the censorious.But the next day, the cultural models may come back to haunt you – or him. If your submissivemale feels ambivalent on the morning after, it’s only natural. However, if he tries to reassert hismaleness by (literally or metaphorically) pushing you around, stop him immediately. Youcannot get into that kind of game. If necessary, stop playing out your fantasies while you workout the problem. You may want to see a couples counselor or seek individual therapy to helpyou deal with – the anxieties.- Flashbacks and Bad Memories. If anxieties persist, or serious depression results fromfantasy play, your submissive may be reliving certain painful memories. Many ‘people who areinvolved in power exchange play had healthy, normal c***dhoods but became fascinated withthe idea of Dominance and submission. Others had the kind of nightmare experiences usuallyassociated with daytime talk-show guests. I am not prepared to discuss whether all Dominance/submission play is a displacement activity or a Freudian taboo-turn ed-ritual or a working-out ofcultural roles or even a product of reincarnation; we just don’t know enough to theorizeeffectively, and anyway I am concerned with practice here, not origins. All I can say is thatsome people who have Dominance/submission fantasies also have other serious powerissues, and that acting out the fantasies can awaken those issues.What do you do if-he starts having nightmares, or becomes seriously depressed, or startshaving flashbacks? Stop playing and see a competent ther****t. Immediately!Serious Warning Signs. If he (or you) starts to show any of the signs of serious emotionaldisturbance, get help and get it fast. If one of you becomes violent, depressed, orinappropriately filled with rage; can’t stop crying or can’t get up to do anything at all; startsthinking or talking of suicide, get help now. (Although very, very few players ever have suchbad reactions, you have to know what to watch for, just in case.)Bad Reactions – Yours. Your reactions may be similar to his. You could be disappointed inthe scene or in yourself, or feel anxious over defying the cultural norm. You too could sufferfrom flashl:5acks or other intense emotional reactions.- The Disappointing Scene and the Disappointed Mistress. These two problems go together,because your identity as a good Mistress is presumably bound up in how well the scene goes.If it doesn’t work out perfectly, you may feel totally responsible. After all, you are in charge. Youplanned it, you were the Dominant one, and if you fumbled, or your submissive seemeddisappointed, you may feel like a failure.If you do, reread the section on his disappointment. Few first (or second, third, twentieth)scenes go perfectly smoothly. Remember losing your virginity? That too was probablyawkward, painful, embarrassing, or flawed, but that (I hope) didn’t stop you from trying again. Afulfilled sexuality, despite MTV and the advertising industry, isn’t readily purchased whole, like(or in) a tube of toothpaste. You have to work at it. (Pleasant work, but it does take effort,intimacy, and commitment.) So it isn’t necessarily your fault, and you shouldn’t give up justbecause you forgot how to fasten his bonds or neglected to give him something he wanted.(And if he never told you he wanted it, that’s his fault, not yours.) Keep discussing fantasies,find out what worked and what didn’t, and go on.What about your own satisfaction? This is, after all, Female Dominance, and if you aren’tgetting what you want from a scene, you need to re-evaluate your technique. It helps at first tohave an idea of what you do want from any scene: a sense of freedom and power, or lots ofstroking and orgasms, or a perfect pedicure. I’ve done plenty of scenes where I didn’t see anyorgasms, but I don’t always want them. Sometimes I want Domme-gasms – that wonderful rushof power from being able to express the deepest parts of myself with a willing submissive.-Post-Dominance Anxiety. Whatever your personal situation, you were raised in a culture thatdemands that Girls be nice. Dominance isn’t nice. Fun, yes. Fulfilling, absolutely. But not nice.The next day, you may feel apologetic for hurting him or bossing him around. Worse, you mayfeel that you’ve violated who you are. (You may want to reread Chapter 2.) The glimpse ofpower you had may be frightening; you could be watching a whole new self coming to birth.Talk about it. Write a journal about it. Don’t just sit and stew, worrying that you’re becoming amonster. In all likelihood, you aren’t. But if you have no one to talk to – your submissive maynot want to discuss it, your friends would be horrified – find a support group. You are rebellingagainst all sorts of cultural imperatives by becoming a Dominatrix, and you need the supportand help of your sisters.Many cities have a chapter of PEP (People Exchanging Power) or local support groups (BlackRose in Washington, DC, the Society of Janus in San Francisco, and the Eulenspiegel Societyin New York, for example). You may need to travel to find playgroups and support groups; it’snot uncommon for people to drive four or five hours to attend a gathering. I live in an intenselyrural area, but I only have to drive for two hours north or south to find support.Look for other Mistresses’ ads in the local free weekly (professionals’ may not be helpful) orput an ad in yourself, suggesting that you create a Dommes’ group for discussion, support,friendship, and the exchange of evil ideas.Online forums can give even the most isolated Mistress a chance to make friends withDommes from around the world, as well as to meet GuyDoms (who can be incredibly helpfulfriends) and subs of both conventional genders. GuyDoms also have to overcome earlytraining (“Don’t hit girls!”) and can become solid buddies, even if they do turn green and crosstheir legs when you talk about CBT. Subs of whatever gender and orientation can helpconvince you that yes, they really do like this! That can be a big help if your sub is notespecially communicative.I’ve known at least one Domme whose experiences with her first sub were so difficult that shethought of giving up. However, when she sought and found support from others, shediscovered that there was nothing wrong with her instincts or actions; she was just sadlymismatched with her submissive. Dommes tend to eel responsible for everything, and she hadblamed herself.Or, if you feel you’d like to explore some of these issues in depth, talk to a sympatheticther****t.-Flashbacks and Bad Memories. If your anxieties persist, or serious depression(results from fantasy play, you may be reliving certain painful memories. Whatever the facts ofyour c***dhood, you may have come to associate wielding power with a devastatingindifference toward or even active hatred of the less-powerful person. In your c***dhood, thatwas almost certainly you. To find yourself suddenly in the position of the tormentor can causean intolerable psychological shift.If you feel this way, get help now. Don’t just vow to quit Female Dominance; you cannot avoidthe issue of power. At some point you must face it, and better sooner than later.Serious warning Signs. If you starts to show any of the signs of serious em9tional disturbance,get help and get it fast. If you become violent,depressed, or inappropriately filled with rage; can’t stop crying or can’t get up to do anything atall; start thinking or talking of suicide, get help now. (Although very, very few players ever havesuch bad reactions, you have to know what to watch for, just in case.)-A Final Note. Despite all the warnings and concerns, I assure you that most people who playDominance games are actually happier with each other than couples who cannot share theirdeepest needs and desires, whatever they may be. Nevertheless, as a responsible Mistressand author, I feel I should let you know about some possible items of concern. Even if one orseveral of these problems arise between you, you can overcome them if your relationship isstrong. After a brief period of adjustment, you should both become comfortable in the newroles, whether you play occasionally or all the time.Changes In Your RelationshipJust as acting out your fantasies may have brought up personal issues of power andDominance, it may do so with issues between the two of you. The individual changes arebound to affect you as a couple. Honest discussion of the issues and your feelings can helpkeep your relationship strong; indeed, the intimacy and trust created between you, as well asyour more active role in the relationship, are bound to make the commitment stronger anddeeper than ever before. What follows are a list of suggestions for dealing with Dominanceissues and a list of the benefits Female Dominance can bring to your relationship.Dealing with Dominance Issues: Some Suggestions-Keep Dominance in Its Place. Female Dominance is a wonderful game, but it has its limits.You and your mate must decide what they are. Some couples use it as an occasional spice afew times a year. Others prefer to play monthly or weekly, while maintaining a vanilla sexuallife or exploring other fantasies (even including male dominance). Many couples enjoy fulltimeFemale Dominance, but they are beyond the scope of this book. The two of you should decideearly on approximately how often you want to have scenes and what your signal should be tocommunicate that desire.You must keep Dominance games in their place in another way: never use a discipline sessionto work out a problem in your relationship or to take out your anger on your submissive. If youhave a conflict in the relationship, work it out by talking about it. Don’t get it mixed up withsexual games, unless you’ve already negotiated the right to punish.-Stay Safe, Sane, and Consensual. The watchword for Dominance/submission play hasalways been that it is safe, sane, and consensual. Keep to those principles. Don’t take stupidrisks or do things you know are dangerous. Keep other emotional problems out of thedungeon. And never play unless both participants are willing. Either of you has the right to sayno to Dominance play, just as you may say no to any other sexual contact. And never bring inunwilling or unwitting partners or witnesses to your games. That’s a species of psychological****.-Honor Your Commitment. Always treat one another with respect. Don’t mock your partner’sfantasies the day after a session, or tell your best friend about your activities without yourmate’s consent. Yes, I’ve said you should find people you can share your experiences with, butyou must honor the privacy of what you do together. Talk to your mate before you talk toothers.-Talk. Communication is the key to a good relationship, and you should always be able todiscuss everything together, from the awkward feelings occasionally arising from a scene todaring new fantasies. The more intimate you become, the better your sessions will be, andvice versa. In the exhausted, satisfied moments after you’ve achieved release and ended ascene, you may tap into deep emotions you’ve never shared with anyone else. You can sharethem now, with your partner.-Relax. Despite all the warnings, Female Dominance is a game, and a wonderful one. Relaxand enjoy it. Don’t expect it to be perfect. Just enjoy the pleasures of command, of steppingbeyond your ordinary boundaries and becoming another person. Your submissive shouldrelax, too. The scene may not be exactly what he dreamed of, but then, what he wanted was tolose control, not to keep it. He should let go and feel the intoxicating freedom of uttersubmission.The Benefits of Female Domination-A Clean House. A recent survey indicated that 61% of Women would rather see a man dohousework than dance naked. They would also rather be married to a Danny DeVito lookalikewho did the dishes than a Robert Redford lookalike who didn’t. You can use his fantasies ofsubmitting to a Female Tyrant not only for mutual sexual satisfaction, but also to keep thehouse looking spotless. If you loathe housework and he gets an erotic thrill from running thevacuum, I’d say you have an ideal partnership.-A More Equal Relationship. Partly because he’s doing some or all of the housework, yourrelationship will become more equal when you begin to practice- Feminine Rule. Your newassertiveness will carry over into other parts of the relationship, and his experiences of beingout of control of his own destiny should help him understand just how hard a Woman’s life canbe.-More Intense Sex. Even an occasional dose of fantasy can serve to keep your sexual flameburning bright. As a careful, loving Mistress, you’ll get to know all the most sensitive spots onyour lover’s body, a knowledge you can turn to good use when you’re having moreconventional sex. Furthermore, you’ll learn to ask for what you want in bed. Sex is alwaysbetter between two active, involved partners. Perhaps most important, the two of you will keepyour imaginations active and alive; boredom kills sexual desire faster than anything elseexcept sheer physical exhaustion.-Deeper Trust. Rarer than good sex is trust. And once you’ve shared your innermost fantasieswith someone who helps you act them out, who doesn’t mock or recoil or injure you, you knowyou have established trust. The shared vulnerability of acting out fantasies can create awonderful new intimacy. Nothing can strengthen a relationship like trust.The Mistress ManualThe Good Girl’s Guide to Female DominancePart TwoThe Mistress In ActionThe Mistress Manual by: Mistress Lorelei5ESTABLISHING YOUR AUTHORITY:Ways to Make Him Obey”That not impossible she/Who shall command my heart and me. ” Richard Crashaw, “Wishesto His Supposed Mistress”Even before you plan and enact the first session, you must understand whence derives theauthority of a Mistress. Establishing that authority is the first thing a Mistress must do; the bestscriptedsession will fail if the submissive cannot believe in and surrender to the Dominion ofhis Lady.What follows is a discussion of half a dozen ways to establish and enforce your authority, evenwhile you are receiving the shattering pleasure of orgasm. Some are more effective thanothers, but when all are used judiciously, in their proper proportion, they will produce acontented submissive and a fulfilled Dominatrix.Some of these ideas may seem far-fetched. Nevertheless, ordinary life, with all its worries,fears, and stresses, has a death grip on most of us. We need all the help we can get to moveinto the realm of fantasy. Deliberately choosing to suffer pain and suspense as a path to ahappy conclusion can exorcise the demons of doubt, fear, tension, and misery that most of usstruggle with every day. Changing our names, our clothes, our surroundings, our behavior, canhelp us free the repressed inner self. The suggestions below offer ways to break thestranglehold of reality and move into the glorious, softly lighted, ritualistic domain of our hiddenselves.The ScriptBecause Chapter 6 is devoted to the art of planning, structuring, and enacting an effectivediscipline scenario, I will not say much about it here, except to remind you that good scriptingis the first essential. A satisfying script will provide both Mistress and slave with a thoroughlymeaningful experience. Remember that it’s the story that takes you and your submissive out ofyour everyday selves, invests you with almost magical powers, and ultimately provides release.Every technique I discuss in this chapter is a way to emphasize the story and make it morevivid, intense, and believable. A hastily sketched, carelessly plotted fantasy is as boring asmost television. If TV effectively relaxed you and your partner, you wouldn’t be reading thisbook. You need a deeper, more individual ritual than you find in mass media. And books,wonderful as they are, cannot be shared in the same way. Besides, sometimes you need toact. Thus the script, the fantasy, and your compelling role as Mistress.Furthermore, a good script will help you, the Mistress, remember who you are: the Woman incharge. It also provides us with the useful theatrical metaphor, which so accurately describesall phases of the Dominance/submission relationship that it might not be a metaphor at all, butthe literal truth.Pain and Suspense. When most people think of Female Dominance, they think of pain, andthat is a great pity. Although sensation play has its place in a scene, it is not necessarily themost important element. Suspense, the linchpin of good drama, is far more important, althoughit cannot stand alone. Because pain and suspense work together so closely, I have de ‘tided todeal with them as twin aspects of a single topic.To make any scene work, you must build suspense in your subject. Pain alone, evenhumiliation alone, will not produce the tension and then the release he needs. Relying onphysical pain to produce effective subordination (a crude technique at best) ultimately fails,because you have not made the pain meaningful.Havelock Ellis, one of the earliest experts in sexual psychology, wrote that suspense, notsuffering, is what the submissive truly desires. For example, a strange Woman walking up tohim and slapping him would scarcely make him feel aroused. The incident might later providea basis for fantasies, in which the submissive would construct a story to explain the pain,thereby adding suspense and significance. In short, it is the plot – the enacted drama – not thepunishment that gives the submissive release.Controlling a male’s body does not suffice to control his mind. Otherwise, he would spendevery minute of his work day thinking of work, every minute at the dinner table thinking of food,and so on. You should know that even when he is bound to a backboard or forced into ladies’clothing, you must supply him with fantasies (the script) or his mind will wander. In suchsituations, of course, his mind is likely to wander toward fantasy anyway, but they are hisfantasies, which he chooses and controls, and will not be as effective for him and satisfying foryou as the fantasies and ideas you introduce. Even a heavily symbolic punishment, such asspanking, can be felt as meaningless pain unless accompanied by a compelling fantasy – andagain, yours, if well-chosen and enticingly presented, will work better than his own.No, the only way to control even the most lamb-like submissive is to control his thoughts.Suspense is one of your most efficacious tools to command your submissive’s wanderingattention. Anyone can inflict pain, but few people can make it erotic and fulfilling. If raw painwere really what he craved, he could get into bar fights and be equally happy or even happier,or drive his car into a bridge and suffer for months in a body cast. Neither of these dreadfulideas (which I sincerely beg you will not consider, even for a moment) is in the least erotic.Therefore, if you give him a smaller dose of pain, but a greater measure of suspense, he willobey you more readily and respect you more thoroughly, and you both will be more fulfilled.Using suspense effectively is the first mark of a top notch Disciplinarian, even one who enactsthe role of Amazon or Governess.Mystery and Anticipation. Now that suspense has been demonstrated to be vital

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