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Pt. 5 – Apart
As numb as I was after the miscarriage, I was also determined. I reconciled with myself that my marriage was dead. I had no desire left to save it, and so I had to let it go. I’m not sure when, but I understood that it would have to happen. I was tired of feeling poorly about myself, so I began to exercise and dropped thirty pounds.
I spent more time at school, wrapped completely in my job. If Peter noticed the distance growing between us, he didn’t say anything. I took that as a sign that he didn’t care. So, I decided not to care either.
Steven and I had stayed in touch, but our conversations were shorter and farther apart. I didn’t mind. I needed that healing time. It was time for me to put myself first, to explore who I wanted to be, what I wanted from my life. I knew, in the same way, that I no longer wanted to be married to Peter, that I wanted to keep Steven in my life.
By that summer, a little less than a year after seeing Steven in Albuquerque, we have arranged another meeting in Las Cruces. I told Peter I was going to see my mother in Phoenix, but instead of heading west, I moved east toward Las Cruces, New Mexico, to meet up with Steven. We had two days and two nights together, a luxury we have never shared before.
As I drove, my mind wandered, conjuring images of my past experiences with Steven. The most vivid image seemed to be that first night we were together in the office at the store. I could almost feel his heavenly tongue on me as the images flashed through my head. Then I saw images of him buried between my legs and me tossing him on the bed and sliding on top of him.
I stood and stretched when I reached the hotel. Steven’s eyes raked over me when he saw me in tight jean shorts and a half-shirt that zipped in the front. His face shone with pure lust as he evaluated my thinner figure, desire hot in his eyes.
“Hello,” he greeted me, embracing me in a smothering hug. I buried my face in his chest, breathed in his intoxicating scent, and nuzzled against him.
“Mmm, how I’ve missed you!” I declared.
“I’ve missed you too,” Steven murmured as he brought him mouth down upon mine. Our kiss was deep and passionate but tender as well.
We didn’t waste much time getting inside. Our first coupling was frenzied. It had been so long since the last time we were together, and we wanted each other so bad. However, we were able to relax for a while afterward. We ate dinner at a quaint little Italian restaurant and then headed back to the hotel.
As soon as the hotel door shut, we began kissing. Our hands were exploring each other, busy removing articles of clothing. When we were both completely unclothed, Steven took a step back, and we examined each other visually. His eyes rolled over the sensuous curve of my breasts, the tan flat of my stomach, the bow of my feminine hips, and the sleekness of my thighs.
I allowed my eyes to roam the contours of his chest, the muscles of his arms, the firmness of his legs, and, eventually, the growing rigidity of his member. But, I grew more self-conscientious the longer he gazed at me. I started to bring my arms across my body, but he stopped me, holding both hands in his.
“You are even more beautiful than I remembered,” Steven sighed. He pulled me against him, sinking his hands into my wavy hair and holding my face as he enticed my tongue with his own.
My fingers toyed with the light hair on his chest as my head spun, drunken on his kisses. I started planting little kisses all over Steven’s chest, working my way down towards his waist. Kneeling before him, I took him in my mouth and heard him moan. I sucked him in fully, humming as I increased the intensity of my lips upon him. Another moan broke free from his throat. For several moments I worked him in and out of my mouth.
Rising, I pulled him towards the bed. He was mesmerized by my forwardness as I maneuvered him onto the bed. I crawled on top of him, sliding his thick erection into my feverish pussy. I smiled as I ground against him, forcing deeper in my flesh, and he returned my smile. Steven held my hips as I moved him slowly in and out of me, moving back and forth like I was riding a horse. I loved the feeling of him filling me, thrusting against my hips. I loved the moans of ecstasy the escaped from his throat as we began to move faster, as I opened myself wider to take him deeper.
We had quite a rhythm going, but we just couldn’t keep the pace we wanted. So, we scooted to the edge of the bed, and Steven picked me up, keeping his rock hard cock inside me. He laid me gently on the bed, and we increased our pace. He was sliding deeper and deeper inside of me, and I was grinding faster and faster against him. Our bodies were in perfect unison with each movement, each thrust, until he finally had an orgasm. I stroked his back and kissed his face as we lay there still together, comfortable in each other’s arms. Not wanting to move. Wanting to savor the moment, the feeling of our bodies touching, entwined.
We escort bostancı both slept well that night!
To legitimize his trip, Steven had a speaking engagement at the local university. I sat in the audience, admiring his slim figure, his dark brown hair and mustache, and his engaging smile. I laughed as his hand gestures brought back memories of the two of us together when we first met. We finished at the university in about an hour and a half.
We ate lunch hurriedly, and then our fierce need for each other drove us back to the hotel. Steven had a tremendously talented tongue! It drove me insane whenever he planted himself between my legs, sucking and licking. My hand played with his hair as he teased me skillfully-those waves of rapture flowing over me once more. There was nothing quite so intensely pleasurable as those moments.
Steven had me titillated. I nearly growled at him, “Take me from behind.”
He was caught completely by surprise and froze for a second before obliging my request. I twisted to my stomach and then braced myself on my knees. Steven stood near the edge of the bed. He grasped my hips, dragging me towards him, eager to enter my trembling cunt. I realized when his cock pushed inside of me, that that was the deepest he had ever been inside of me. I whimpered with gratification as he began to plunge into me again and again. My god, he felt amazing!
I slammed my body backward into him. “Yes,” he cried encouragingly.
We moved faster, and I could feel myself building to a climax. But then Steven slowed down, and his thrusts become long and luxurious. The change of pace drove me wild.
“Oh, Steven,” I moaned.
His hands slid up my back, then tickled my sides on their way back because their touch was so light, feathery. I ground against him, clenched my pelvic muscles, and whined, “Fuck me, Steven.”
His hands gripped my hips roughly, and he slammed his cock deep inside of me. I lost my breath for a moment but recovered to match his wild thrusts. We were frantically fucking now. Animalistic grunts emanated from both of us alongside coos and purrs of fulfillment. By the time Steven came, I was sore, but pleasantly so from the intensity of our coupling.
We made love twice more, and then decide to hop in the tub and turn on the jets. However, I made the mistake of putting a bubble bath in! We could not help but laugh hysterically. I had not laughed so hard in, well-I couldn’t remember when!
As our second day together was ending, and we were both realizing we would have to say goodbye tomorrow, Steven joked about making a promise to each other to meet once a year for a rendezvous. He mentioned the movie “Same Time Next Year,” where a couple did something like that. I didn’t say anything. I wanted so much more of him than once a year, but I understand the situation we were in and was acutely aware I wouldn’t get what I wanted, ever.
I had a moment of despair as Steven drifted off to sleep. Oh, why did we have to part? Why couldn’t he ask me now to run away with him? Why couldn’t I go back in time and change my answer? But I couldn’t.
So, I pushed my sadness aside and focused on the fact that he was beside me, slumbering lightly. I could feel the warmth of his naked body next to mine as he slept. I had the rest of the night to soak up as much of Steven as I could before we parted, and I hoarded every ounce of him I could tuck away in my memory.
Though I tried to be brave the next morning, I sob as Steven and I held each other in the parking lot, trying to say goodbye. I pulled away first, figuring it would make it easier for me if I didn’t have to watch him leave.
I was grateful it was close enough to the end of summer that I could work at the school upon my return from Las Cruces. Work provided me an outlet from my grief and frustration.
One afternoon, I was walking from the office to my classroom when I was greeted by a colleague, Michelle. We stopped and chatted for a few minutes before she asked me to come back to her room with her. She had someone she wanted to introduce me to.
A slender, blond gentleman sat lounging in her chair as we entered the room. He immediately stood as Michelle and I came into the room. I noticed his muscular build and merry, green eyes readily. The orange shirt he was wearing heightened the glow of his tan, and I was struck by how attractive he was.
“Connor, this is my friend and fellow teacher, Stacy,” Michelle introduced us. “Stacy, this is my nephew, Connor. He just got his first teaching job. I’ve been trying to help him prepare, but like I’ve been telling him, middle school is different than elementary. He needs to talk to someone with experience teaching at the elementary level. Then I saw you and thought, perfect! You wouldn’t mind him picking your brain would you?”
“Sure, anything I can do to help,” I stuttered, still engrossed in Connor’s twinkling eyes.
“Great!” she paused, “I see you aren’t wearing your wedding ring. Are you divorced?”
What ümraniye escort a sly one she was! I had stopped wearing my wedding ring, but her calling notice to it made me feel uncomfortable.
“No, but headed that way,” I answered.
She simply smiled at me and then excused herself, saying she had to run to the restroom, effectively leaving me alone with Connor.
We discussed teaching strategies and experiences I had had until she returned. I was so flustered by her blatant matchmaking and embarrassed by my obvious attraction to Connor, I retreated hastily. Before Michelle would let me go, however, she wrested my phone number from me to give to Connor.
Connor called a few nights later, and we were on the phone for 3 hours. We started out talking about teaching, and I was giving him some ideas. Then, we just kind of fell into a friendly conversation. I was growing more attracted to him but decided it would be best for me not to say anything.
Another year, another birthday, and another time that Peter was going to be out of town!! Since Connor and I have been developing a friendship, I called him and asked if he would be willing to go the dinner with me on my birthday. He accepted.
I purchased a special dress for the occasion. I always liked getting dressed up but rarely had the opportunity. So, I put more attention into my hair, my makeup than I normally would have. The effect was not lost on Connor. I swelled when I saw the look of admiration on his face when we met at the steakhouse.
After dinner, I had the impulse to dance and, though I feared Connor would find me a bit strange, I asked him if he would mind dancing with me.
“Right here in the parking lot?” was his response.
So I suggested going someplace else. There was a new housing development going on near my house. They had leveled the dirt, created streets, and put in streetlights. So, we drove there. We turned up the stereo in my car and slow danced in the middle of one of the lots. It was very romantic. We were chatting as we danced, and I remember looking up at him and having the urge to kiss him. I thought I saw the same feeling in his eyes, so I tugged on his tie, bringing his face down to my level, and kissed him. Then I apologized, but he told me not to. We kissed and danced until the CD-ironically the album Steven had given me-had played all the way through. It was late and a school night, so both of us said that we should probably go. When we got to the car, we were giving each other one last hug, and one of the straps from my dress broke (honestly-just like on Jerry McGuire). I couldn’t believe it. We both started laughing. After another hug, my other strap broke, and Connor instinctively reached to keep my dress from falling. But when he realized where his hands were headed, he stopped and started to blush. Thankfully, I am somewhat well-endowed in that area. So, the ladies held the dress up!
That birthday proved to be a pivotal one in my life. I decided to tell Peter I wanted a divorce, and I did when he returned from his business trip. He did not take it well! He mentioned that he knew we were having problems but that he thought we were going to go to counseling. That only angered me. How could he admit to knowing we had issues that needed to be dealt with but not be concerned enough on his own to investigate counseling but, rather, rely on me to do it?
I moved into Logan’s room, uncertain what my next steps would be. Peter had already refused to discuss dividing our assets or anything related to us ending our marriage. On my own, I knew I didn’t have the money to hire an attorney, and I wasn’t even sure I had the money to file the paperwork for a divorce, but I was certain I was going through with it.
Connor provided some much-needed distraction and support as Peter’s and my relationship disintegrated. But, he also provided me with the affection I craved and had failed to get from Peter and that I longed to have permanently from Steven but would never receive.
I fell head-over-heels for Connor. Because I hadn’t filed for divorce, Peter did everything in his power to cause a rift between Connor and me. He found out where Connor lived and mailed him old love letters I had written when we were dating, including vacation photos where we looked happy. He called me in the middle of the night telling me I was turning into a whore and was going to hell. Then he learned Connor’s number and chastised him in the middle of the night for turning me into a whore.
I loved Connor all the more for his unerring devotion to our relationship through these trials. I suppose my need to have his support is what blinded me to the small cracks that started opening as Peter’s lunatic behavior wore on.
I lost weight rapidly because I couldn’t hold food down. My body was under such emotional stress that food either ran right through me or I threw it up. I didn’t sleep well worrying about when the next phone call from Peter would come. Connor urged me to file the paperwork to send kartal escort bayan Peter the message that our break up was real. But once I moved out of the house and was solely financially responsible for myself, I struggled to make my monthly bills, and there was no extra to pay for filing.
Steven and I had remained in contact after Las Cruces. It felt a little awkward to discuss my crumbling marriage with him, though I knew he understood the issues that Peter and I had had for quite a while. In the back of my mind, I worried that he would believe that I thought my divorce would somehow lead him to leave his family.
One Friday evening, Connor arrived to stay with me over the weekend. Steven and I were talking on the phone when he got there and were near the end of our conversation. As Connor lounged on the couch, I could tell he was listening. After I hung up, he asked who I had been talking to. I was honest and told him I had been talking to Steven.
Connor recognized the name. I had been open with him about the fact that I had an affair with Steven.
“I’m not comfortable with you talking to him,” Connor shared.
“Nothing is going on with us,” I assured him.
“Still, there’s a history there. I know how you felt about him. You cheated on your husband with him, and I’m only your boyfriend.”
I almost laughed at his last statement until I noticed the seriousness of his expression. “I love you. If you are uncomfortable with me talking to Steven, then I’ll just let him know we shouldn’t keep in touch anymore.”
The next time Steven called, we spoke for a few minutes before I shared what Connor had told me.
“So, you don’t want me to call anymore?” I could hear the disappointment in Steven’s voice as he asked.
“It’s not that I don’t want you to. I always enjoy talking to you,” I countered. “I just….I have a chance to be happy with Connor. I have a chance to live my life with someone. As much as I love you, we both know that is no chance for the two of us to be together.”
Steven was silent for a moment. I could feel the tears building in my eyes. I knew I could never fully let go of him, but I desperately wanted someone to love me completely, to share my life. If I couldn’t have that with Steven, I had to take a chance with someone else.
“I understand,” he acknowledged quietly. I could hear the quiver in his voice. “You deserve to be happy. I won’t call you anymore, but I’m going to miss you. I love you.” The meter of his words indicated that he was crying, and that was confirmed when he once again fell silent. I could hear Steven sniffling, and the tears that had been building in my eyes broke free, racing down my cheeks.
“I’ll miss you too,” I choked out. “I love you too.”
The finality of ending the phone call was too much to bear. So, we both remained on the line, silent but taking in the sound of each other’s breath. I’m not sure how long we hung onto each other through the phone line before Steven shattered the silence by saying he had to get back to work.
“Goodbye, Stacy,” Steven whispered.
“Goodbye, Steven,” I said, barely audible.
I was glad that Connor had a family engagement that kept him from visiting that night. I reminded myself that I had done the sensible thing cutting ties with Steven. Yet, my heart felt pierced, wounded. Though our call ended while it was still light outside, I shimmied into my nightgown and put myself to bed.
My pillow was soaked with my tears within minutes. Each time I closed my eyes, pictures of Steven or the two of us together would invade my thoughts. I could feel his presence around me. The smoothness of the sheets became his feathery touch, or the brush of the pillowcase became the caress of his lips on mine. I allowed myself to sink into the darkness of sleep, hoping the pain would be bearable when I woke up.
Connor had snuck in late that night after I had fallen asleep. I woke with his arms around me and the feel of his warm, moist breath on my neck. It soothed me a little, but I had to force myself to keep images of Steven from creeping into my thoughts.
I fought to keep myself from comparing Connor to Steven for a few weeks instead trying to focus on the positive attributes Connor possessed. He always had a smile on his face, and it was infectious. He was always upbeat, got excited easily, was affectionate, and was in great shape.
While I enjoyed sex with Connor, it didn’t compare to the intensity of the interactions Steven and I had. Connor didn’t seem as interested in playing with me in that manner as Steven. After one session of love-making, Connor was done, and no amount of coaxing, stroking, or other forms of enticement would change that.
For eighteen months, I held tightly to Connor as my lifeline to sanity, as my verification that I was still desirable, and as my defense against loneliness. A job change for him, moving to a new school, sounded the death knell on our relationship, though he assured me nothing would change.
Since his new school was farther away, Connor started coming to visit less often, staying over less frequently. Instead of spending his weekends with me, he started spending more time with his new work friends, and I was convinced that he had met someone else that he was interested in.
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